Yahtzee Croshaw Quotes

“The cruelest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is flawless when it isn't”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

Well we've left behind the 200X's, and we move onto the 20XX's. Maybe that will finally make us feel like we're living in the future, rather than a media controlled slave state where an iPhone is worth substantially more than a human life. Happy new year.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Nothing ruins a good thing quite like knowing you share your opinions with mindless little tits.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

The root problem with Christianity is that their god is supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent. It sounds like an easy sell, but when life turns completely to shit, you have to come up with all kinds of whacked-out reasons for why kindly old Jehovah saw fit to run over little Timmy with a combine harvester and leave him in a state of vegetative, limbless agony for eighteen years.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“I had passed on from life, from the world of struggles and hardship and big fat women with annoying laughs, and entered a glorious new existence of utter peace, and joy, and love.
And then some git brought me back to life”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

He seemed to notice for the first time that we weren't exactly rushing to his side, but were mainly watching him as a zoo patron would watch a crazy monkey, curious but ready to move at the first sign of poo-flinging. There was a minute of awkward silence before someone near the back with their head held under their arm said who's this twat?

— Yahtzee Croshaw

The main problem I always have with multiplayer is that human beings are grabby, entitled, selfish, ugly, stupid, evil cockstoppers.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“For me, Modern Warfare 3 's plot makes its signature turn around the bend when Russia invades Europe. As in, all of it. Simultaneously.
Now, I've never invaded Europe, except for that one time, but I would think that's a project you might want to stagger out a bit if you haven't forged an alliance with any galactic empires lately.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

Individuals are fine once you get to know them, especially if they're interesting in conversation or have large, sumptuous breasts, but I don't like people in the plural and I've seen very little to change my mind about that.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“This was how I would die. Strangled by an attractive, seminaked woman inside a fridge with a giant tarantula in the middle of a sea of carnivorous jam. As I blacked out, all I could think of was a fortune teller I'd spoken to a few years ago, and how full of shit she'd turned out to be.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

There's something terribly weird about the standard fantasy setting
not least of which the fact the phrase "standard fantasy setting" can be uttered without irony.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“This is about as simple as games get. There isn't even the paltriest context for what you're doing; you're not exacting revenge on limbless pigs or feeding your pet bitch-lizard. You're a ninja, fruit is flying up in front of you, and fuck fruit. Sitting around all smug on trees and in pies.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Making the decision to leave Valve strikes me as right up there with turning down the throne to Narnia, but then call me an idealist, and I guess I probably wouldn't want to spend my whole life making new hats for Team Fortress 2 either.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“I am a crab. I am thinking crabby thoughts. I am tightening my grip on this rock with my big red pincers.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“It could have been a thief or a murderer. I considered crying out. A thief would run away, but a murderer would murder me. On the other hand, the murderer would probably murder me if I didn't too. That was his whole thing.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Horrors from beyond the veil of time and space are coming to eat us so shut up, sounds like a pretty good draw card for a leader to have.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Could somebody please invade America? I know it's not exactly prime real estate and can just about produce corn and shitty TV, but someone really needs to help them blow off some steam.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“How exactly does a steam-powered gun turret differentiate between friend and foe? I wasn't aware that boiled water could form allegiances.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“The obedient Pit bull becomes the escaped tiger and it's got a knife”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

A good story is like a good bowel movement: it's only really satisfying once it's ended, because if you just keep going eventually your body runs out of shit and moves on to pushing all your internal organs out your sphincter until only a foul smelling shell remains and anyone who wants to get into your incredibly long poo gets turned off because they have to go through all the poo up until that point to have the necessary context.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“There's a new spell you get around level 50 called "Mirror Image" which might as well be called "Reap On, Ye Fucking Reaper Man".”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“It creates an effective contrast, like riding a bike down a long and peaceful country road and every other hundred yards the bike turns into a bear.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“With small-town America it's always either zombies or communists isn't it.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Readers of my online journal - I refuse to use the word blog because it sounds like something that lives on a riverbed and communicates through farts”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“My non American viewers. Who understand that the world does not consist solely of a single nation sailing across an infinite sea of migrant workers. Will no doubt have heard that the waters surrounding Brisbane got tired of waiting for people to hit the beach and decided to bring the party to us.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

What were they going to do after killing the president, declare themselves king?

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Pimpin' ain't easy and neither is long division”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“It's way too long and I gave up on it. Abandoning forever an innocent child to a hostile and unforgiving land. Sometimes I still hear him crying late at night. He sounds exactly like a malfunctioning air conditioner.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“What can you do with a character who responds to everything by either punching it or deploying Bat Anti-thing Spray ... then punching it?”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“I picked it up 'cause the back of the box said the Kinect had "finally found its hardcore game" and I interpreted that as a challenge.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

The Necromancer's Tower squatted over the river like an incontinent titan.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Last night we were noting, a freelance musician and an unemployed. But you know what we are now? ... Both unemployed?”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

Maybe she's preemptively getting her karmic backlash for that, but there's something icky about all this. Yes, the "hello, boys" chest like two friendly chinchillas, Bigfoot ball stomper Lara Croft was oversexualized, but this is still sexualization from the opposite, somehow even creepier side of the coin. At least that Tyrannosaurus in the first game never tried to feel her up.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“New Super Mario Br - I'm just gonna call it "Steve" from now on, all right?”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

Releasing videos on YouTube is kind of like throwing messages in bottles out into a churning sea made up entirely of messages in bottles. The chance of your message getting noticed and someone being sent out to rescue you is punishingly slim. But every once in a blue moon someone who owns a big boat made of money finds your message and agrees to let you ride on his big boat made of money if you keep making messages for him.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“I woke up one morning to find that the entire city had been covered in a three-foot layer of man-eating jam.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“He hastily pulled off his dressing gown-revealing austere black boxer shorts and a threadbare T-shirt for something called Mogworld-and began twirling it frantically around his head.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Fifty-story skyscrapers stood side by side with older ten-story buildings like fathers and sons at the urinal together.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

The man in the headdress nodded. "On that note, I'd like to quickly ask David if there's been any headway in getting the air conditioning back online." A slight murmur of discontent indicated the importance of this matter, directed at a blond young man with a tanning-bed complexion. "Well, Gary," he sighed. "There isn't much we can do without electricity, but my team has been researching alternatives. One of my engineers proposed a system of fans powered by dogs in giant hamster wheels, but the major issue there is our limited dog inventory. We'll keep looking into it.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“And I hate to be a stickler for the rules but the Hibatsu Survival Settlement Charter clearly states that any individual who cannot reimburse the company in liquid assets must make it up with voluntary existence suspension.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“The jam had filled the courtyard and foyer and pushed the water out of the swimming pool. Where it touched the walls, little tendrils snaked their way upwards like searching fingers. There was an overpowering stench of strawberries.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“The geek shall inherit the earth.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Drelmere and sons, fine outfitters for the discerning magician!" he was shouting, his voice barely carrying over the hubbub. "Robes! Pointy hats! Beard grooming supplies! Yes, you sir, how can OH GOD HURRAAARRGLAB."
I waited patiently for him to finish decorating the pavement with his stomach contents. "Sorry," he said, bent double and gulping. Impressively, he immediately continued his sales pitch from that position. "Looking for a new robe?"
"Yes, this one's starting to whiff a bit."
"Yes, I ... gathered that, sir." He took a few deep, groaning breaths into a star-patterned hanky and seemed to gather himself.
"What sort of price range were you OH GOD YOUR EYES HURRAAARRGLAB."
I tapped my now bile-sodden foot. "Shall I come back later?”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

State your HURRAAARRGLAB," went the monarch.
"Mr. Wonderful," said the advisor, daintily wiping the king's mouth with a hanky. "What do we keep telling you about your interrogation methods? The information's never reliable and it really hurts our image."
"It's all right," I sighed. "This is my actual face.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

If you ask me, the hypothetical zenith of gaming technology is direct neural interface - no body to hamper you and your brain is in whatever you want it to be in. Plus it leads to existential uncertainty, which could be entertaining.

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“Reality is a cruel and unintuitive place with frustrating gameplay mechanics.
(Press X to thanklessly toil your life away)”

— Yahtzee Croshaw

“He who trades pacing for gimmicky open-world freedom deserves neither.”

— Yahtzee Croshaw