Tracy Brogan Quotes

“Apparently while I was reading
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Dating, he'd read The Guide to Dating a Complete Idiot.”

— Tracy Brogan

“Being surrounded by the people you loved is what made life ... well, life.”

— Tracy Brogan

Panty Melter: an exceedingly rare species of man blessed with so many desirable attributes he effortlessly gains access into a girl's panties.

— Tracy Brogan

May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past. May your hands be forever clasped in friendship, and your hearts joined forever in love. To the bride and groom.

— Tracy Brogan

“Don't worry, darling. These things happen. Des will understand. Did you at least remember to stroke his eagle? "What?" I gasped. His eagle. You know how much men like to talk about themselves. "Ego", Fontaine said, interpreting.”

— Tracy Brogan

“He put me in charge of chopping vegetables. I considered cutting my finger so he'd have to hold my hand to examine it, but that seemed a little drastic. Maybe I could be captivating without resorting to self-mutilation.”

— Tracy Brogan

Little Junior Hampton was called Little Junior Hampton because his father was Big Junior Hampton, and his grandfather was Old Junior Hampton.

— Tracy Brogan

“And our marriage dissolved, like margarita salt on the tongue, leaving behind the bitter aftertaste of something that started out sweet but ended sour.”

— Tracy Brogan

He held up my most prized possession, a sweatshirt from spring break during my senior year of college. It was faded, tattered, and perfect for wearing while eating peanut butter with your fingers and crying about your incredibly shitty marriage.

— Tracy Brogan

“Scolding had made an impact. She seemed resigned”

— Tracy Brogan

Pheromones didn't care about tomorrow. They didn't care about education or employment or age.

— Tracy Brogan

I don't want to do the show anymore. I've had enough exposure. It was sort of fun the first season but then Boyd went and ruined everything. He completely humiliated me.
Boyd - as in Boydell Hampton - the preacher's son with the baby face and the mile-wide naughty streak. The kind of guy who talked poetically about being a missionary but who was really far more interested in exploring the missionary position. And every other position he could think of.

— Tracy Brogan

“All he wanted was a long, hot shower and a long, deep sleep.
Meaning that whoever this pissed-off brunette was, whatever deal she'd arranged with his flaky mother, they could talk about it after he'd scrubbed the jungle from his skin and rinsed the shampoo from his hair.
"What do you mean it belongs to you? It can't belong to you. I just rented it," said the girl aiming that pink blow-dryer right at his heart.
If he wasn't so damn exhausted, he might find that funny. She was holding the thing as if it would protect her. It was a blow-dryer! He nodded at it. "What do you plan to do with that thing, honey? Style me to death?”

— Tracy Brogan

“It's nice to see you. Aimee calls you Bigfoot, by the way."
"Bigfoot?"
"Yeah, you know, like a mythical creature that people say they've seen in the wild but no one knows for sure if it's real. That's you ...”

— Tracy Brogan

“Could be a cold night so I guess I'll start a fire."
"A fire? Have you got wood?"
A curve played at the corner of his mouth. "Oh, yeah. I got wood."
The door slammed before she realized what she'd said.”

— Tracy Brogan

“He winked at me over her head, causing my bra to try and unclasp itself in sweet surrender.”

— Tracy Brogan

So, let me get this straight," she said. "You're not afraid to scale Mount McKinley or swim in shark-infested waters, but you're scared of getting another scolding from your mother?

— Tracy Brogan

“Love is a grave mental disease." "Shakespeare?" Kyle shook his head. "Plato.”

— Tracy Brogan

“Sugar, you can't control what people think or what they do. You can only control how you react to it. Bottom line is you need to decide who it is you're living this life for. You or them?”

— Tracy Brogan

A tactical orgasm. That's what he needed. Then he'd stop fantasizing about all those lacy bras she'd left back in his bathroom. She really needed to dry those someplace else. It had taken him fifteen minutes to take a leak this morning because the damn things were hanging up right where he - and his dick - could see them. It twitched in his slacks. His dick had a great memory.

— Tracy Brogan

“And wonder if you were speeding. I don't”

— Tracy Brogan

“Oh, Lord. Why was he asking her that? He knew better than to ask a woman what was wrong-because somehow it would end up being his fault. Even if every aspect of her mood was beyond his knowledge or control, it would still end up being his fault-because he had testicles. Whenever a woman was annoyed, somehow it always came around to the Y chromosome.”

— Tracy Brogan

“But I promise, if you start looking for the best in people, you'll be very surprised at what you find.”

— Tracy Brogan

“I lost my virginity to Grant Connelly," a slender brunette declared wistfully, twirling a lock of hair ... "What? Am I the only one?"
"Nope." A different brunette, this one in a push-up bra, raised her hand. "Not the virginity part, but, well, you know."
Two others raised their hands slowly, looking at each other.
"Spring break?" one asked.
"New Year's Eve," the other answered, and then they collapsed into coed-caliber giggles and hugged each other like pageant queens. No shit. Delaney had stumbled into a Grant Connelly sexual conquest recover group.”

— Tracy Brogan

“The news had spread like Nutella over a warm”

— Tracy Brogan

“I don't want you to go back to Miami already."
"You don't? You could have your house all to yourself." Her voice was whisper soft.
"I don't want my house all to myself. I like you in it. I like watching the yoga."
"You could get cable. They have lots of yoga shows on cable."
He moved a little closer, and she stretched her legs out in front of her. "It would be quite the same as watching it live," he said.”

— Tracy Brogan