Rob Delaney Quotes

“If you ask someone out and they say no, try it again in a few minutes wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette.”

— Rob Delaney

“Children give terrible gifts because they are poor.”

— Rob Delaney

“I became a diligent condom carrier and when most subsequent lovers had the good fortune to lie under my grunting, sweaty mass, they were always the grimacing recipient of an eager and rubber-sheathed penis boner.”

— Rob Delaney

“Cheesecake. Are you shitting me? Who invented that? Probably Jesus of Nazareth. Or maybe Louis Pasteur. It makes me physically sick to think that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, yet the name of the inventor of cheesecake isn't tattooed on Dick Cheney's face.”

— Rob Delaney

“People who concern themselves with the rights of other adults who engage in consensual acts involving sex, love, and/or eating croissants together are damaged and in pain.”

— Rob Delaney

Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

— Rob Delaney

“Make it easier for your citizens to be healthy and smart and they will save you in ways you have yet to imagine. Make it difficult and your nation will swirl history's toilet on its way to hell.”

— Rob Delaney

A heart that hurts is a heart that works. -Juliana Hatfield

— Rob Delaney

“Willful ignorance or resistance to alleged facts has been a big ingredient in any success I've had.”

— Rob Delaney

“To help safeguard her, I remained a vigilant bather and hand-washer. I also made sure we didn't share cups or utensils and I took strict care not to poo in her mouth, even at night.”

— Rob Delaney

“Depression taught me the importance of compassion and hard work, and that you can overcome enormous obstacles.”

— Rob Delaney

“The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were.”

— Rob Delaney

“I'm crazy about Shakespeare, who was a notorious word inventor. And my wife is an English teacher, and she's hilarious.”

— Rob Delaney

“Politicians, it's in their job description to just lie, every day.”

— Rob Delaney

Well, Mitt Romney is a very attractive comedic target. He's irresistible to me. I mean, seriously, I want to pay less attention to him.

— Rob Delaney

“In real life, I am alarmingly boring.”

— Rob Delaney

On stage, I'm me. I'm a husband, I'm a dad, I'm a guy, I'm a mess - but I am a cohesive thing that you recognize as one human entity saying these things that he generally believes.

— Rob Delaney

I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that!

— Rob Delaney

“Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo?”

— Rob Delaney

“The danger for a comedian on Twitter is the same danger that any civilian faces: sometimes you gotta put that phone down and go live your life. When you're on Twitter, you're not living, and if you're not living, you're not taking in stimuli with which you can create new material.”

— Rob Delaney

But I also know in standup, there's nowhere to hide. You get on stage and you deliver, or you are eviscerated and you are thrown into a pile of bodies at the bottom of a mountain.

— Rob Delaney

I had always loved comedy, and acted out Steve Martin and Bill Cosby albums with my sister for my parents on road trips and stuff, and I loved to laugh and make people laugh.

— Rob Delaney

“It makes me sad that corporations and media and Hollywood conspire to make people feel terrible about their bodies from the second they wake up, so I sort of try to subversively undercut that.”

— Rob Delaney

“I hate wearing suits and ties.”

— Rob Delaney

“I want people to feel good about themselves.”

— Rob Delaney

“I'm endlessly fascinated by parenting, marriage, my wife and the ins and outs of marriage.”

— Rob Delaney

“In high school, I definitely fancied myself an intense guy, which is so lame.”

— Rob Delaney

“My stand-up is far more rooted in reality than my Twitter.”

— Rob Delaney

“On Twitter, I just want to make you laugh at all costs.”

— Rob Delaney

“I was an extroverted kid and performed, like, acting and singing. Then, the older I got, I realized I enjoyed performing things that I came up with myself more and I enjoyed making people laugh more than making people cry or think.”

— Rob Delaney

I'm a comedian at the beginning and the end of the day. I'm not affiliated with any campaign, nor do I generally find politics interesting enough to plan to be involved.

— Rob Delaney

“It's hard for me to get embarrassed, but the things that do embarrass me would be if anybody ever heard my wife and I talking in our robust, made-up language.”

— Rob Delaney

“With Twitter, you just want to make people laugh in their meeting; on stage, people have paid for their tickets with their hard-earned money, so I owe them the truth as I experience it.”

— Rob Delaney

“Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.”

— Rob Delaney

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, 'people.'

— Rob Delaney

“A long-term relationship is about showing up and working hard and banking on each other. If one's down, the other might be up and can help the other one up, and sometimes you're both down and you just [band] together. Endurance is a big theme of it for me. That might not sound romantic, but I kind of think that it is.”

— Rob Delaney

“I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread ... It's more interesting.”

— Rob Delaney

“I think your ambition for something changes as you go.”

— Rob Delaney

“I no longer believe in freedom of speech.”

— Rob Delaney

“Don't even FRONT like you love your family, America, or God, if you don't have a DETAILED & REHEARSED Black Friday tactical shopping plan.”

— Rob Delaney

In the ambiguity and shifting playing field of adult life, I often wish I could just fill in a dot and have someone say "Yes" and hand me a chicken leg, or "No" and slap me with an old fish.

— Rob Delaney

If you have an opinion on what other adults do consensually with other adults when they take their pants off, you're a weirdo.

— Rob Delaney

“People moved in across the street and are immediately cutting down a huge tree. Their toothbrushes will know my buttonhole.”

— Rob Delaney

“It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.”

— Rob Delaney

I can't 'make' you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favourite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.

— Rob Delaney

“We can and should complain about certain horrors of the modern world, but when it comes to the treatment of mental illness, the advances made in the last hundred years have been far more significant than the space program, nuclear fission, or even The Wire, for so many fortunate people.”

— Rob Delaney