Noel Coward Quotes

“I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.”

— Noel Coward

“I'll go through life either first class or third, but never in second.”

— Noel Coward

Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor.

— Noel Coward

“The higher the building the lower the morals.”

— Noel Coward

“We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we?”

— Noel Coward

“Squash - that's not exercise, it's flagellation.”

— Noel Coward

“I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.”

— Noel Coward

There's always something fishy about the French.

— Noel Coward

“People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.”

— Noel Coward

“Consider the public. Never fear it nor despise it. Coax it, charm it, interest it, stimulate it, shock it now and then if you must, make it laugh, make it cry, but above all never, never, never bore the living hell out of it.”

— Noel Coward

But why, oh why, do the wrong people travel, when the right people stay at home?

— Noel Coward

“Any part of the piggy Is quite all right with me Ham from Westphalia, ham from Parma Ham as lean as the Dalai Lama Ham from Virginia, ham from York, Trotters Sausages, hot roast pork. Crackling crisp for my teeth to grind on Bacon with or without the rind on Though humanitarian I'm not a vegetarian. I'm neither crank nor prude nor prig And though it may sound infra dig Any part of the darling pig Is perfectly fine with me.”

— Noel Coward

Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn't everyone?

— Noel Coward

“It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.”

— Noel Coward

“The air is like a draught of wine.
The undertaker cleans his sign,
The Hull express goes off the line,
When it's raspberry time in Runcorn.”

— Noel Coward

“Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity it's impossible to breed anything.”

— Noel Coward

“I don't much care for Hollywood, I'd rather have a nice cup of cocoa.”

— Noel Coward

“You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.”

— Noel Coward

“Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-day sun.”

— Noel Coward

“I'm over-educated in the things I shouldn't have known at all.”

— Noel Coward

“It's no use to go and take courses in playwriting any more than it's much use taking courses in acting. Better play to a bad matinee in Hull - it will teach you much more than a year of careful instruction. Come to think of it, I never did play to a good matinee in Hull ...”

— Noel Coward

Fifty-four years of love and tenderness and crossness and devotion and unswerving loyalty. Without her I could have achieved a quarter of what I have achieved, not only in terms of success and career, but in terms of personal happiness.

— Noel Coward

“How about slipping out of those wet things and into a dry Martini?”

— Noel Coward

I want a horse and plough, Chickens too, Just one cow, With a wistful moo.

— Noel Coward

“You will know you're old when you cease to be amazed.”

— Noel Coward

“Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.”

— Noel Coward

“Marriage is the aftermath of love.”

— Noel Coward

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

— Noel Coward

“I don't think pornography is harmful, but it is terribly, terribly boring.”

— Noel Coward

“Good heavens, television is something you appear on; you don't watch.”

— Noel Coward

A bloody good thing, but too late.

— Noel Coward

“I write at high speed because boredom is bad for my health.”

— Noel Coward

Madame Bovary is the sexiest book imaginable. The woman's virtually a nyphomaniac but you won't find a vulgar word in the entire thing.

— Noel Coward

It's never too early for a cocktail.

— Noel Coward

“It's no good pacing up and down. It won't make the plane arrive any faster. Just sit down and accept that we're delayed. You're just making a fool of yourself.”

— Noel Coward

“The pleasures that once were heaven look silly at sixty-seven.”

— Noel Coward

“Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)”

— Noel Coward

“Christopher Marlowe or Francis Bacon The author of Lear remains unshaken Willie Herbert or Mary Fitton What does it matter? The Sonnets were written.”

— Noel Coward

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

— Noel Coward

“Acting is not a state of being ... but a state of appearing to be. You can't be eight times a week without going stark staring mad. You've got to be in control.”

— Noel Coward

“Of course, the age-old tradition that a star must appear even if he or she is practically dying is an excellent one, but it can be carried too far. I one played a performance of The Knight of the Burning Pestle with a temperature of 103 and gave sixteen members of the company mumps, thereby closing the play and throwing everybody out of work. There may be a moral lurking somewhere in this, but I cannot for the life of me discover what it is.”

— Noel Coward

There isn't a particle of you that I don't know, remember, and want.

— Noel Coward

“I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.”

— Noel Coward

“An infant prodigy of nine is shoved upon the stage in white. She starts off in a dismal whine about a dark and stormy night, a burglar, whose heart is true, despite his wicked-looking face, who puts the little child in doom, to save her mamma's jewel case. This may bring tears to every eye; it does not set my heart on fire. I'd like to stand serenely by and watch that horrid child expire.”

— Noel Coward

“Hollywood is a place where some people lie on the beach and look up at the stars, whereas other people lie on the stars and look down at the beach.”

— Noel Coward

Everybody was up to something, especially, of course, those who were up to nothing.

— Noel Coward

“My philosophy is as simple as ever - smoking, drinking, moderate sexual intercourse on a diminishing scale, reading and writing (not arithmetic). I have a selfish absorption in the well-being and achievement of Noel Coward.”

— Noel Coward

“Passion in a dromedary doesn't go so deep; a camel when it's mating never sobs itself to sleep.”

— Noel Coward

“It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but my own.”

— Noel Coward

“Conceit is an outward manifestation of inferiority.”

— Noel Coward