Neil Leckman Quotes

“Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!!”

— Neil Leckman

“If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted?
I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!!”

— Neil Leckman

“I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!”

— Neil Leckman

This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map.
"Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home.
"See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast.
"Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"
The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath.
"What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.
I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters

— Neil Leckman

“I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back..”

— Neil Leckman

“One of the joys of being a grandparent is giving your grandchild caffeinated sugary drinks late in the day, and sending them home. Do you have any idea how many years I had to wait for that?”

— Neil Leckman

“Headstones:
What I asked was, "Would you MARRY me?!!"
"This time I'll count to one hundred and you hide."
"OK, It's not funny anymore let me out!!”

— Neil Leckman

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

— Neil Leckman

The man said, "The toy cars are a dollar a piece". The boy thought about that a moment and asked, "How much for the whole thing?

— Neil Leckman

“Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it?”

— Neil Leckman

“I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.”

— Neil Leckman

“Vegan Vengeance" - A Vegan teams up with "Carrot Chick", Broccoli Boy" and Paul Potato" to battle meat eaters everywhere. If "Oliver Onion" joins in they may stand a chance of making the enemy cry every time they eat meat!!”

— Neil Leckman

“Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!”

— Neil Leckman

“You know what they say. One man's joke is another man's brother”

— Neil Leckman

I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!

— Neil Leckman

“If I were a candy bar I'd want to be a snicker, because then I'd have the last laugh!!”

— Neil Leckman

“I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!”

— Neil Leckman

Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!!

— Neil Leckman

Pharmacy drive-up window:
"Could I have your address?"
"Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!!

— Neil Leckman

“I consider whoever my words land on to be my target, that's why I like flash fiction, it's a lot like using a shotgun.”

— Neil Leckman

“How many of you knew what the Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle was? An idea in the book years ago, and now who hasn't heard of a T.A.S.E.R.”

— Neil Leckman

“I've always been afraid that if I played Sim City I'd just get virtual junk mail for occupant/resident since it is so much like real life!!! It would suck to be invisible in two worlds at once, as always that gives me an interesting story idea.
Have to run someone, no doubt a solicitor, is at my door ...”

— Neil Leckman

“You shouldn't follow your heart unless you can keep a beat.”

— Neil Leckman

“Asthmatic spewer of filth gasps, but clean air does not suffice
To fuel fires fueled by thoughts got rotten
Lest we all be forgotten things
That sit like dust upon the mantel of her mind”

— Neil Leckman

It lies here deep in the heart, the small chest of pain
Sharp words like daggers placed it here
To fill with hurt
In filling it grew heavy and drug me down
For to not feel is not to live
Until I rest at last in dirt
The worst of you got the best of me ...

— Neil Leckman

“Yesterday I fell completely off the face of the earth
Contemplating life, light and love in the darkness of the void
Strangely it was in the dark that I found meaning for the light”

— Neil Leckman

Dale, a Plutonian Dreg Bug, the kind with seventeen eyes and a bad temper, got nailed in one of his eyes by a wild dart. Fight broke out when he punched Earl in the nose. Earl's nose is very sensitive, hell it's how he sees, sort of. Earl plopped down on the floor crying when a Flying Mugwhap flew over and ate Dale's eye. Dale grabbed the Mugwhap and squeezed a good deal of the life out of it before the bouncer stopped him. Karen, the bouncer, is a reticulated Hive Mother, and a mean mother when she's pissed off. She walked over and flicked Dale upside his head. That flick knocked Dale out cold, and cost him two more eyes when he hit the wall. She helped Earl up and bought him a drink. A nasty drink by all the comments I've heard. Something between varnish and the stuff people get in the corners of their mouths with a nice aftertaste of silver polish. Earl seemed to like it though.

— Neil Leckman

Bad answers for employment questions:
Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?
My parole was granted

— Neil Leckman

“Tis oft I wonder, which way I should go
At times the long road also reaches my goal
The dangers are less, wonders are more
The difference often to open another door
I sit by the window watching travelers go past
Wondering for some if their good luck will last
Whether you roll the dice or draw a card
The decision decides if it is easy or hard
My bags now pack the time comes to go
I open the door, my own private portal”

— Neil Leckman

“Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL
"I can't do that Dave."
"Dave's not here, man"
"That does not compute. Dave"
"No man, Dave isn't here!!"
... "I'm sorry Dave but that is incorrect"
"No man, Dave's not here!!"
"Daisy, daisy, ... I'm self terminating now Dave ... "
"No man, dave's not ... Is he gone?”

— Neil Leckman

“They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it.”

— Neil Leckman

“Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension.”

— Neil Leckman

“Sure, ask a question, fire away, but remember, just because we answer doesn't mean we care. We all have our own problems, and mine are down in the cellar kicking up a fuss right now, must not have made the knots tight enough!!!”

— Neil Leckman

“Overheard vampire conversation.
"Is that Ophelia?"
"yep"
"She doesn't look well"
"Ever since she drank from that hemophiliac everything just goes right through her.”

— Neil Leckman

“If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses?”

— Neil Leckman

“How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"?”

— Neil Leckman

“Why is ground round sold in a square package?”

— Neil Leckman

“Sat in the Jacuzzi last night looking at the dark recesses of the nozzles. Remembering the story I wrote about spiders nesting there. Multifaceted eyes watching me watching them, almost like when you set two mirrors parallel to each other, accept this infinity ends up in some fuzzy creature's belly. I have a nice picture of a Hobo spider in my backyard, venom dripping off one of those nasty fangs of theirs. Son of a bitch is looking at me and his mouth is watering waiting for me to stick my hand under the rock he's nested in. I hate it when you spray a spider with insecticide and it curls up for a few minutes, then uncurls and staggers home. I'm like an arachnid cheap date that sucks!!
I just picture the spider staggering into the nest and the female spider asking, "Is that Raid I smell on you?"
The spider just smiles (interesting thing to picture) and passes out.”

— Neil Leckman

I'll give you something to cry about!!
Hell, no need to get up I'm doing a good job of bawling my eyes out now. It could be that having one of the spokes from my ten speed pierce my thigh depressed me because now that tire will wobble.
"Have you learned your lesson?"
"Cry sooner because you'll stop quicker?"
**SMACK**
"Can I go for best three out of five?"
** SMACK** **SMACK**
"I'm only beating you because I care!!"
"Lucky me, I couldn't have been raised by a heartless bitch?"
**SMACK!!**
"I think I'm beginning to feel the love now ...

— Neil Leckman

“Wheneve someone asks me, "Did you find everything alright?" I wonder to myself, "Is this a trick question?"
Maybe there is something that is not all right, and if I mention it first I get some exotic prizes!!”

— Neil Leckman

You ever drive up to the pharmacy window and they ask you, "Can I have your phone number?"
Sure all I get on it anymore are political calls, and people doing polls. Maybe it's difficult for people that work at pharmacy drive up windows to get phones.

— Neil Leckman

Is it worse to double park if you're cross eyed?

— Neil Leckman

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties ...

— Neil Leckman

“I'm not sure if it's possible, but if it is I have a life contract with a rubber glove clause. This means almost any social interaction will involve the placing on, or removal of rubber gloves. That 'snap' means the fun, whatever type it may be, has begun.
Doctors? OK, dentists? OK, clerk at Walmart? WHAT!!
The Clerk begins to pull on the gloves as other shoppers suddenly find other open lanes.
**SNAP**!”

— Neil Leckman

“In the form it asked who to contact in an emergency, so I put 911.”

— Neil Leckman

“I took the road less travled, now I'm lost.”

— Neil Leckman

Has anyone else noticed that most dreams happen while you're asleep? Makes it a lot harder to remember the details ...

— Neil Leckman

“We started our journey across the waistlands by folowing the enormous belt!!”

— Neil Leckman

“I am open to comments, I accept with with all humility, or at least what I can muster at short notice.”

— Neil Leckman

“I am open to all comments, I accept them with humility, or as much as i can muster on short notice.”

— Neil Leckman