Larry David Quotes

“No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.”

— Larry David

“Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.”

— Larry David

“I don't like to make a big splash anyway.”

— Larry David

“I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.”

— Larry David

I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.

— Larry David

“OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.”

— Larry David

“I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.”

— Larry David

“I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'”

— Larry David

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

— Larry David

“Obviously comedic styles do change.”

— Larry David

“In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.”

— Larry David

“When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.”

— Larry David

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

— Larry David

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

— Larry David

“I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.”

— Larry David

“I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.”

— Larry David

“I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.”

— Larry David

“I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.”

— Larry David

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

— Larry David

“I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.”

— Larry David

“Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!”

— Larry David

“Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.”

— Larry David

“Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.”

— Larry David

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

— Larry David

“Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.”

— Larry David

“I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.”

— Larry David

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

— Larry David

I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.

— Larry David

“I'm anti-cheese in a salad.”

— Larry David

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

— Larry David

“Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.”

— Larry David

Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.

— Larry David

“I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.”

— Larry David

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

— Larry David

“I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.”

— Larry David

“Let's not forget, I got divorced.”

— Larry David

I am not honest.

— Larry David

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

— Larry David

“I have reservations about everything I do.”

— Larry David

“If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?”

— Larry David

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

— Larry David

“I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.”

— Larry David

“I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.”

— Larry David

“I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.”

— Larry David

A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.

— Larry David

“A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone”

— Larry David

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

— Larry David

“Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.”

— Larry David

“I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.”

— Larry David

“Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.”

— Larry David