Henny Youngman Quotes

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

— Henny Youngman

“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)”

— Henny Youngman

“If at first you don't succeed ... So much for skydiving.”

— Henny Youngman

“My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”

— Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

— Henny Youngman

“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”

— Henny Youngman

“She has a wash and wear bridal gown.”

— Henny Youngman

“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.”

— Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

— Henny Youngman

“Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

— Henny Youngman

“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”

— Henny Youngman

“A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?”

— Henny Youngman

“Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."”

— Henny Youngman

“Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years.”

— Henny Youngman

“Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"”

— Henny Youngman

“She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"”

— Henny Youngman

“When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."”

— Henny Youngman

“A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?”

— Henny Youngman

“I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.”

— Henny Youngman

“I just made a killing in the stock market
I shot my broker.”

— Henny Youngman

“My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”

— Henny Youngman

“I think the world of you ... and you know what condition the world is in today.”

— Henny Youngman

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

— Henny Youngman

“We aim to please ... You aim too, please.”

— Henny Youngman

“My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".”

— Henny Youngman

“2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"”

— Henny Youngman

“Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!”

— Henny Youngman

“Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.”

— Henny Youngman

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

— Henny Youngman

“A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"”

— Henny Youngman

“She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.”

— Henny Youngman

I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can

— Henny Youngman

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

— Henny Youngman

“A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.”

— Henny Youngman

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

— Henny Youngman

“I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.”

— Henny Youngman

“I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.”

— Henny Youngman

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

— Henny Youngman

“I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."”

— Henny Youngman

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

— Henny Youngman

“I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.”

— Henny Youngman

“This man dresses like an unmade bed.”

— Henny Youngman

“Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"”

— Henny Youngman

“She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"”

— Henny Youngman

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

— Henny Youngman

“I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.”

— Henny Youngman

“Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.”

— Henny Youngman

“I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!”

— Henny Youngman

“My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.”

— Henny Youngman

“A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!”

— Henny Youngman