Helen Ellis Quotes

“Fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading.”

— Helen Ellis

A pink razor is like a mouse, where ever it is the pussy will follow.

— Helen Ellis

“Sugar, nobody's perfect. And when ladies try to be perfect, their periods stop.”

— Helen Ellis

“You've got to have brains to play dumb.”

— Helen Ellis

“I cry because I don't have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I”

— Helen Ellis

All we marrieds have a marriage chuckle. A marriage chuckle is a fake laugh you bring out when your spouse does something dumb that you have to pretend is charming. My

— Helen Ellis

“A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing. It gives you the confidence of a homecoming queen. It's a tiara for your ta-tas.”

— Helen Ellis

“You don't have to chase every bird that you see.”

— Helen Ellis

Face it: you're never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.

— Helen Ellis

“YA is about angst. Will I get that boy to like me? Will I lose the weight? Will I turn into a vampire if he just gives me a hickey? I'm an orphan! I'm a mind reader! I'm biracial! I'm gay! When I get out of high school, I'll move to New York City, where I'll find others like me, and then I'll be happy and I will have it all: a career, a family, good teeth, and takeout Chinese.”

— Helen Ellis

The only thing with less character than Chardonnay is wainscoting.

— Helen Ellis

“Write what I know, who wants to read that? If only our apartment was haunted or I was the tiniest bit possessed by the devil.”

— Helen Ellis

“I scroll through iPhone photos and see that if I delete pictures of myself with a double chin, I will erase all proof of my glorious life.”

— Helen Ellis