Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

Enjoy the top 84 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Gilbert Gottfried.

“I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, Whats that behind your ear? Its a quarter!”
— Gilbert Gottfried —

“I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like it's crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like it's laughing. Nowadays, we would say, 'How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.'”

— Gilbert Gottfried

I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“A landlord is showing a couple around an apartment. The husband looks up and says, 'Wait a minute. This apartment doesn't have a ceiling.' The landlord answers, 'That's OK. The people upstairs don't walk around that much.'”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“You never know what people will choose to be offended by.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I predict one of these two teams will win the Super Bowl.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I remember being at the premiere of 'Beverly Hills Cop II' and the tremendous reaction from the crowd outside, then going to a party at a hotel afterwards where the speakers were blasting 'Shakedown,' a song from the movie. That felt like a show biz moment to me.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm a very anti-vacation person. Because I'm always getting on planes for work, to me, a vacation is when I don't have to get on a plane.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I found out about Jonathan Winters' death a day after it happened. That seems wrong. A talent like his should be more revered. The world knew about Kim Kardashian's divorce before she did.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Reality TV has totally destroyed soap operas. They're gone. They used to be the biggest thing in the world - they're gone.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.

— Gilbert Gottfried

“A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

— Gilbert Gottfried

“If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I'd make Jack Benny look like a philanthropist.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I'd like to have a kid, but I'd probably get a Frank Sinatra Jr. instead of a Gilbert Gottfried Jr. I'd totally screw up like that.

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

I think a lot of people have too much time on their hands.

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I think of Alan Thicke as Perry Como without the excitement.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.

— Gilbert Gottfried

“People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

— Gilbert Gottfried

The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.

— Gilbert Gottfried

“If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.”

— Gilbert Gottfried

“What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.”