Fran Lebowitz Quotes

“Humility is no substitute for a good personality.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.”

— Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

— Fran Lebowitz

“Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Polite conversation is rarely either.”

— Fran Lebowitz

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

— Fran Lebowitz

“Nothing succeeds like address.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“There were a zillion bad jobs. That doesn't exist any more. I mean, I could wake up one afternoon with zero money and know that by the end of the day, I would have money.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“No one's supposed to be the president. This is not England. And it's not just the Bush family, all families designate each child as having some particular trait.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“I believe in talent. I know you're not supposed to believe in that anymore because you're supposed to believe if you just work hard you can do anything. That's how you succeed, maybe. But talent is something you're born with. You cannot acquire it by working hard, and you cannot lose it by lying around either.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Sleep is death without the responsibility.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Civilised adults do not take apple juice with dinner.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“A salad is not a meal, it is a style.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“You should make it hard on yourself to write so you're easier to read.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“I stopped taking drugs when I was 19, and who wants to drive a cab around New York with drugs in their car?”

— Fran Lebowitz

“All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“The other day I read that last year 58 million tourists came to New York ... where a puny eight million people are trying to live. Unless they own a hotel chain, I don't think a single one of these eight million people are happy about this.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“I've never seen the Kardashians; I'm not sure who they are. But I know a lot about them because it's impossible not to.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use.”

— Fran Lebowitz

I am not ... totally unreceptive to colour providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

— Fran Lebowitz

“Without these tourists, New York would be fantastic. I don't want them to come. Stay home!”

— Fran Lebowitz

“A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.”

— Fran Lebowitz

The main symptom of falling in love is that you lose your intellectual prowess.

— Fran Lebowitz

“Forcing people into a situation where they're supposed to adore each other is probably bad. But letting people get on and off the 6 train without stabbing each other, that's good.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“I am a New Yorker. I like New York. And I like cities. And it's not my desire to make New York more suburban. I would personally just like to vet each person.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Twenty-four-hour room service generally refers to the length of time that it takes for the club sandwich to arrive. This is indeeddisheartening, particularly when you've ordered scrambled eggs.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Instead of writing it wrong six times and then writing it right, I think it wrong six times and then write it right the seventh time.”

— Fran Lebowitz

I've always been old at heart.

— Fran Lebowitz

“I hate academic mysteries. As soon as I come across the word 'don' and it's not someone's first name, I close the book.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Should novels generally be 600 pages? No, they should not. Half of writing, maybe 3/4 of writing, is editing. This seems to be a thing that has not gotten through to them. It's my impression that you could get rid of half of most of these books. These people are not good enough to be this long, but they're apparently also not good enough to be shorter.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“I just can't smile at people for money.”

— Fran Lebowitz

I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.

— Fran Lebowitz

I have a real aversion to machines. I write with a pen. Then I read it to someone who writes it onto the computer. What are those computer letters made of anyway? Light? Too insubstantial. Paper, you can feel it. A pen. There's a connection. A pen goes exactly at your speed, whereas that machine jumps. And then, that machine is waiting for you, just humming uh-huh, yes?

— Fran Lebowitz

“While it is undeniably true that people love a surprise, it is equally true that they are seldom pleased to suddenly and without warning happen upon a series of prunes in what they took to be a normal loin of pork.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“If you don't have children and you don't have a job, you have time for friendship ... People who have jobs are not the best friends to have. It's better to be friends with people who are unemployed ...”

— Fran Lebowitz

“It's very important when making a friend to check and see if they have a private plane. People think a good personality trait in a friend is kindness or a sense of humor. No, in a friend a good personality trait is a Gulfstream.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“White grapes are very attractive but when it comes to dessert people generally like cake with icing.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Remember this: no matter how politely or distinctly you ask a Parisian a question he will persist in answering you in French.”

— Fran Lebowitz

People elect the President for reasons that have nothing to do with his ability to be president.

— Fran Lebowitz

I have friends, some of whom are spectacularly good writers, who really want someone to edit them. I don't register that impulse. It's like the impulse for wanting a dog.

— Fran Lebowitz

“There are some great writers who are great talkers, but there are more great writers who are not great talkers. People seem to think there is some connection between talking and writing, but I love to talk and if there were some connection between the two of them I would be the most prolific writer in the history of the world.”

— Fran Lebowitz

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government.

— Fran Lebowitz

“Writing pornography is deadly, nothing duller. I mean a toll-taker has a more exciting life than a pornographer.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Writers get exactly the right amount of fame: just enough to get a good table in a restaurant but not enough so that people are constantly interrupting you while you're eating dinner.”

— Fran Lebowitz

“Most writers write too much. I have the exact opposite problem. I feel I could write almost anything in a paragraph. I have a natural ability to condense, and so I often think, "Are you kidding me? Five thousand words? How am I gonna make 5,000 words out of that?"”

— Fran Lebowitz