Felipe Esparza Quotes

Enjoy the top 39 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Felipe Esparza.

Felipe Esparza Quotes

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.
— Felipe Esparza —

I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.

— Felipe Esparza

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

— Felipe Esparza

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

— Felipe Esparza

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

— Felipe Esparza

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

— Felipe Esparza

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

— Felipe Esparza

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

— Felipe Esparza

Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

— Felipe Esparza

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

— Felipe Esparza

I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

— Felipe Esparza

If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.

— Felipe Esparza

While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.

— Felipe Esparza

I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

— Felipe Esparza

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

— Felipe Esparza

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

— Felipe Esparza

According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!

— Felipe Esparza

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

— Felipe Esparza

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