Doug Stanhope Quotes

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit

— Doug Stanhope

“Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.”

— Doug Stanhope

You can never really, truly, understand discrimination unless you've been fuckin' ugly. Ugly people face as much, or more, discrimination than any fuckin' minority group, and they have none of the ... recourse ... You don't have any group that's going to come together and fight for your rights ... 'cause there's no unity among the ugly ... And ugly isn't even a minority! We're the fuckin' majority, and we still take the fuckin' backseat!
...
Any minority would rather be called the worst racial slur according to their group than pointed out as unattractive: someone calls you a nigger, a lot of people fuckin' bunch up around you and go 'what the fuck you say to him?!'; someone calls you dog-dick-fuckin'-ugly, you wear that all by yourself.

— Doug Stanhope

“You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.”

— Doug Stanhope

“There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.”

— Doug Stanhope

“If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.”

— Doug Stanhope

“You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.”

— Doug Stanhope

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.

— Doug Stanhope

“The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.”

— Doug Stanhope

“America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.”

— Doug Stanhope

“They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.”

— Doug Stanhope

“The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.”

— Doug Stanhope

“People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"”

— Doug Stanhope

“The only way I thought I could do a greatest hits album is to do it in a prison where they have no f**king idea who I am. I'd do what I consider the best of those old, early CDs before I did DVDs. A women's prison would be even better, but it has to be English-speaking.”

— Doug Stanhope

“All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.”

— Doug Stanhope

“If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing ... fight to get new weirder ones ... and weirder establishments to do them in.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?”

— Doug Stanhope

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

— Doug Stanhope

“If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.”

— Doug Stanhope

“The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.”

— Doug Stanhope

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

— Doug Stanhope

“Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.”

— Doug Stanhope

“A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!”

— Doug Stanhope

“Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Coward is the most misused word in our society.”

— Doug Stanhope

“You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Get the right to marry - and then don't.”

— Doug Stanhope

“People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.”

— Doug Stanhope

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

— Doug Stanhope

“I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.”

— Doug Stanhope

“There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.”

— Doug Stanhope

“Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.”

— Doug Stanhope

“The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, He's like the next Bill Hicks. It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, You're no Bill Hicks. And I'm like, I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference.”

— Doug Stanhope

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

— Doug Stanhope

“If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.”

— Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

— Doug Stanhope

“I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.”

— Doug Stanhope

“I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.”

— Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

— Doug Stanhope