David Walliams Quotes

“A bully can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them.”

— David Walliams

“It was impossible to sleep. Anxiety stopped me from falling asleep; depression woke me up.”

— David Walliams

“All you can do in this life is follow your dreams. Otherwise you're just wasting your time.”

— David Walliams

No more watching that show Small England or whatever it's called where those two idiots dress up as 'laydees'. It's a bad influence.

— David Walliams

“He seemed lonely too, not just alone, but lonely in his soul. That made Chloe sad. She knew full well what it was like to feel lonely. Chloe didn't like school very much. Mother had insisted on sending her to a posh all-girls secondary school, and she hadn't made any friends there. Chloe didn't like being at home much either. Wherever she was she had the feeling that she didn't quite fit in.”

— David Walliams

“You mustn't let bullies get you down.”

— David Walliams

“You can't go on running forever ... " "And you can't go on ... " Alfie desperately searched for the right word, " ... mopedding* forever!”

— David Walliams

“As a teenager I was both prurient and prudish. I was so full of self-loathing that in my mind it was unthinkable that any girl would ever want me. I hated everything about myself.
The way I looked.
How I spoke.
Even how I thought.
In my head I believed myself to be completely and utterly unworthy of love.
My life had only just begun but I felt that I had already ruined it.”

— David Walliams

“Oh it's just my breakfast, Lisa. A couple of bags of Maltesers, a Toblerone, a Bounty, Jelly Tots, some Skips, seven bags of Monster Munch, Raj was doing a special offer on those, a box of Creme Eggs, and a can of Diet Coke.”

— David Walliams

“All our lives are hard in one way or another ... But listen to me ... We need to be kind to each other, and stick together, OK? This place is tough enough without you making my life a misery.”

— David Walliams

“Zoe also knew her stepmother did not love her. Or even like her very much. In truth, Zoe was pretty sure her stepmother hated her. Sheila treated her at worst as an irritant, at best as if she were invisible.”

— David Walliams

“Words are so rude I wouldn't dream of putting them in this book.”

— David Walliams

Show, Trisha. Dennis had seen a Trisha episode about people with depression, and thought maybe his dad had that. Dennis loved Trisha. It was a daytime talk show where ordinary people were given the opportunity to talk about their problems, or yell abuse at their relatives, and it was all presided over by a kindly looking but judgemental woman conveniently called ... Trisha. For a while Dennis thought life without his mum would be some kind of adventure. He'd stay up late, eat take-aways and watch rude comedy shows. However, as the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years, he realised that it wasn't an adventure at all.

— David Walliams

“A Waft of Cheese”

— David Walliams

“Impossible. It was as if she had been buried in sand from the neck down.”

— David Walliams

“What I still don't get though," ventured John. "Is why you did it?"
"Did what?"
"Put that dress on in the first place."
"I don't know really," said Dennis, a puzzled look crossing his face. "I suppose it's because it was fun."
"Fun?" said John.
"Well you know when we were younger and we used to run around the garden pretending to be Daleks or Spiderman or whatever?"
"Yeah."
"It felt like that. Like playing," said Dennis confidently.”

— David Walliams

BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!" The chants grew louder and louder. "BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!" They started clapping in time now. "BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB! BLOB!

— David Walliams

“I was born in 1971, and Tom Baker was sort of my obsession as a kid and that's why we got him to do the voice over for 'Little Britain' because I was actually obsessed with Tom Baker.”

— David Walliams

“All human life can be found in an airport.”

— David Walliams

“I was the kind of person who got bullied and loved the attention of it.”

— David Walliams

“I love telling stories. I love the intimacy between the writer and reader. When you write sketches it's over in two minutes. When you write a book the characters have to have a bit of emotional depth.”

— David Walliams

“It's important when you're married not to forget those things you used to do when you were trying to get her to marry you. You can't send flowers and buy gifts then, when you're married, say, 'Right, get my tea on'. That doesn't go down well. So you've got to keep that level of interest going.”

— David Walliams

I used to have a silk dressing gown an uncle bought in Japan and when I came downstairs in it, my dad used to call me Davinia. There was never embarrassment about that kind of thing. My sister used to dress me up a lot. She thought I was a little doll.

— David Walliams

“When I was a child I devoured every book I could get my hands on. I loved losing myself in colourful and dramatic stories - and my absolute favourite was 'Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.' Everything about it electrified me, and when I re-read Roald Dahl's books as an adult it surprised me.”

— David Walliams

“I still enjoy my life, and I feel like I've achieved enough things that if I never did anything again, I'd feel confident that I'd still have made my mark in some way. But maybe the self-loathing bit is the element that makes you strive for more. Makes you strive to be better.”

— David Walliams

“I haven't traditionally been a family entertainer.”

— David Walliams

I don't have a lot to share with other men. My heart sinks when I get into a taxi and someone starts talking to me about football.

— David Walliams

“I don't think comedy is necessarily an attack. It's finding humour in life. I don't think if you're making a joke about something you're automatically demeaning it.”

— David Walliams

“Definitely I love women, I love being around women, I find them incredible and intoxicating, and I've never had that feeling I get with women with a man.”

— David Walliams

It can be difficult to be subtle and not cartoony in prosthetics. But when you see characters like Bubbles and Desiree from 'Little Britain' on screen, it makes all the hard work worth it. It's such fun watching those transformations.

— David Walliams

“I know some of my parents' friends think 'Little Britain' is in incredibly poor taste. But swimming the Channel? You can't really say anything negative about that, can you? There's nothing better than making your parents happy. The glee on my father's face that day was amazing.”

— David Walliams

It's a weird thing because I've been single at the time when I've been successful. That's good and bad. Good, because you meet lots of people, bad because your privacy is infringed, so it's harder to develop things.

— David Walliams

“When you are doing endurance swimming you just need to take in as many carbs as possible to put on as much weight as you can. Basically you can eat whatever you want, which can be quite fun. Everything is guilt-free.”

— David Walliams

I love wearing drag.

— David Walliams

“I am a huge fan of 'Doctor Who.'”

— David Walliams

“Children's books are often seen as the poor relation of literature. But children are just as demanding as adult readers, if not more so. I should know. I'm a children's writer myself.”

— David Walliams

“I have a pathological fear of being on my own. When I'm with my own thoughts, I start to unravel myself, and I start to think really dark thoughts, self-destructive thoughts.”

— David Walliams

When I want comfort food, I buy Maltesers. I like all chocolates, but especially those. You can eat them, and because they're so light, you can convince yourself that they are not actually that fattening.

— David Walliams

I was quite fat as a kid. And swimming is a sport you can enjoy whatever size you are. If you're fat, running is a pain. I'm not really built for running.

— David Walliams

The most used piece of kit in my kitchen is my saucepan. I use it every morning to cook my porridge in. The least used piece of equipment? I'd say a food mixer. I've never used it, I don't really know what they're for.

— David Walliams

“I've done panel shows, which I enjoy, and on those you're recording half-an-hour of TV and sometimes they film for two hours. But with 'Britain's Got Talent,' you're on camera for eight hours, with a large theatre audience watching - and in between you're being filmed for ITV2 as you eat your lunch.”

— David Walliams

“I've noticed that once you leave London you do kind of become a bit more famous. People in London are a bit too cool for school. It's not so unusual to see someone from London in the street. But outside of London people are a bit more excited to see you and come out and support you.”

— David Walliams

“Sometimes you meet people who can't swim. And I always think: 'Oh my God, that's extraordinary.' For me, it's always been a treat ... I just feel really happy in the water.”

— David Walliams

“I'm terribly attention-seeking. It's very different once you get all this attention, though. Because then you want to control it. And you can't exactly.”

— David Walliams

“I haven't put much effort into my personal life and blithely believe it will turn out all right in the end.”

— David Walliams

Ricky Gervais would have you believe otherwise, but Sacha Baron Cohen is the most successful British comedian in the world.

— David Walliams

“I have always liked shows that have laughter in them.”

— David Walliams

“We sit in a room for months trying to think of funny things.”

— David Walliams

“We sort of expect to see men in women's clothes. It's part of our culture. The key thing is, it has to be done quite badly.”

— David Walliams

“It was very exciting to see Alan Sugar, so I think I've peaked with excitement for the evening, because I'm a massive Apprentice fan.”

— David Walliams