Dark Jar Tin Zoo Quotes

“If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband's murder.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“If I could bronze my love, it'd be worthy of a silver medal.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik's artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that's all fake heart and no brain is what's commonly called a "politician," and must be destroyed.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she'd never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I am in love, and the river is beginning to ice over. I'd better go drown myself before I freeze to death.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I am the Trolley of Love. Free rides before noon and after 11:58 am!

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is inaudible-until you hear it. And once you do, you'll never forget the sound of her voice.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way-contributing 2% as I just sort of lay there.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

We made love like green is blue. That's because we were only half into it, though for the record I was the blue and she was the disinterested yellow.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Love is the point where Yes meets Yesterday, and that's why I put the No in Now.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. In my dream I stole all your money, kidnapped your parents, and mailed you mannequin parts spray-painted red in a series of packages that also included ransom notes. Then, towards the end of the dream, the cops surrounded my cave and swarmed in to arrest me. Sweating, my eyes shot open, and I realized it was a dream. "Of course it's a dream," I thought. "The cops have no idea where my cave is, and your first package has yet to be delivered."

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I unwrapped my love for her like one might unwrap leftovers. Gotta eat up the old stuff first, as a cannibal might say in a retirement home.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I love like I'm thirsty. Can I offer you a tall glass of Sahara sand?”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn't talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“We made love like a half a minute. I brought the thirty seconds, and she provided the excuse as to why she didn't have enough time to have sex with me.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Love is like encountering a forest and having to chop down every tree but one. Oh, and you have to chop down each tree by hugging it until it falls.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I make love like never, only less often.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It's kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn't listening.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I love full on, like 65 mph in a handicapped parking spot.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it's a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Love is a banana. First you peel it, and then you roll on the condom.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Love is bread and water to the soul. My relationships are quite soggy.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“My love's got a lot of love to give. Unfortunately, she gives none of it to me.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin-I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I make love like sausage is to bacon as brick is to blanket. Somebody get me some utensils. And some lubrication (not Castrol Motor Oil).”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“I make love like farm equipment-not to farm equipment. There is a difference, though my cousin can't tell it.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“We made love like two people trying to make love like three people in the trunk of a car.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“My love is sticky, like glue. I'd kill a horse just to give you some.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I had a dream about you. You looked like you, but you also looked like a mannequin. And I looked like me, but I also looked like a mannequin. Between the two of us, we were too fake even for Hollywood. And as such, we were forced to reside in Washington DC.

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“Love isn't two matching unicycles. Love is a bicycle-and mine just got stolen.”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo