Daniel Tosh Quotes

“Face down, ass up, that's the way we both got stuck”

— Daniel Tosh

I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

— Daniel Tosh

“Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.”

— Daniel Tosh

I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

— Daniel Tosh

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

— Daniel Tosh

“Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise ... Sleeping through it.”

— Daniel Tosh

“That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.”

— Daniel Tosh

“How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.”

— Daniel Tosh

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

— Daniel Tosh

“Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her ...”

— Daniel Tosh

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

— Daniel Tosh

“I think it's kinda funny that all these rappers that used to be gangsters and thugs are telling us not to download their music from the internet, because that's stealing. Wow talk about ironic.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I'm like our fearless leader [Jesus]. Where do I get my inspiration? I don't know. I just make fun of everything.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I'm also not good with numbers either, so it's not a great mix. People apparently don't want you ball-parkin' it when it comes to their finances.”

— Daniel Tosh

“Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist.”

— Daniel Tosh

“You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?”

— Daniel Tosh

“Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.”

— Daniel Tosh

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

— Daniel Tosh

“Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.”

— Daniel Tosh

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house ...

— Daniel Tosh

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

— Daniel Tosh

“It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.”

— Daniel Tosh

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

— Daniel Tosh

“The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?”

— Daniel Tosh

“I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I'm a Bad Test Taker ... you mean you're stupid?”

— Daniel Tosh

“I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.”

— Daniel Tosh

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

— Daniel Tosh

“Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.”

— Daniel Tosh

“Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.”

— Daniel Tosh

“The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.”

— Daniel Tosh

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

— Daniel Tosh

“I assume the only reason we have them is so that white people feel relevant in sports. Because other than that the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids. What's it cost to go skiing - $900 a day? I can't believe that's not more popular in the inner cities.”

— Daniel Tosh

“My excuse for everything is that I grew up in Florida.”

— Daniel Tosh

“E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual.”

— Daniel Tosh

“There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I don't know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I'm not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.”

— Daniel Tosh

“If security guards aren't allowed to carry guns, I don't have to obey their made up rules.”

— Daniel Tosh

“My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.”

— Daniel Tosh

Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.

— Daniel Tosh

“The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a 'famous person'.”

— Daniel Tosh

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

— Daniel Tosh

“The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.”

— Daniel Tosh

“I can say that. I have a television show.”

— Daniel Tosh

“You are a sick freak who should be beaten.”

— Daniel Tosh

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

— Daniel Tosh

If no meant no then every man would die a virgin.

— Daniel Tosh