Dane Cook Quotes

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

— Dane Cook

“Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.”

— Dane Cook

“I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.”

— Dane Cook

“Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.”

— Dane Cook

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

— Dane Cook

“I get so into the moment.”

— Dane Cook

“Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.”

— Dane Cook

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

— Dane Cook

“I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.”

— Dane Cook

“I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'”

— Dane Cook

“I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.”

— Dane Cook

“I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.”

— Dane Cook

“In the year 3000, everything will be instant.”

— Dane Cook

“When something's good, I'm not an over-celebrator.”

— Dane Cook

“I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.”

— Dane Cook

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

— Dane Cook

“I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.”

— Dane Cook

“I can't relate to the idea of suicide. I guess I'm just one of those people that is always optimistic and upbeat. But one day, I sat down. I said 'You know what? Just to kind of purge myself, I want to see what its like to feel that low'. So I decided to write a suicide note. Yeah, just to kinda flush it out there and put it on a page. And I started to do this, and I had an epiphany. I'll share this with you: a suicide note that is written by somebody that is not suicidal is called an autobiography. I am on Chapter 58.”

— Dane Cook

“If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.”

— Dane Cook

“There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.”

— Dane Cook

“If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.”

— Dane Cook

“My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.”

— Dane Cook

“My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.”

— Dane Cook

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

— Dane Cook

“Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.”

— Dane Cook

“Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.”

— Dane Cook

“They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up ... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.”

— Dane Cook

“When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.”

— Dane Cook

“I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.”

— Dane Cook

I won't take no for a question.

— Dane Cook

“We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you laid it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he laid it down! Slip n' Bleed from the anus they should have called this ride.”

— Dane Cook

“Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?”

— Dane Cook

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

— Dane Cook

“If you're 1 of the 3 girls in pics with a greaseball whose arms are around you at a club you lose at life. If you're the greaseball you win.”

— Dane Cook

I've been ignoring my feelings lately. That works pretty well. Might also settle for less this week, just to try it out.

— Dane Cook

“If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it.”

— Dane Cook

“What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.”

— Dane Cook

I say God bless you, I don't say bless you ... I am not the Lord, I can't do that.

— Dane Cook

“I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.”

— Dane Cook

“I was being chased by a giant crab. [Audience laughs] That's not funny.”

— Dane Cook

“Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car ... Nailed!”

— Dane Cook

“Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."”

— Dane Cook

“When a guy says "I have no idea what you're talking about" it means "I'm thinking of exactly what you're saying I did while I lie to you."”

— Dane Cook

“My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.”

— Dane Cook

“I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.”

— Dane Cook

“It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.”

— Dane Cook

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

— Dane Cook

“I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.”

— Dane Cook

“You can't teach an old hater new truths.”

— Dane Cook

“I found someones passport on the ground tonight. Where do you sell these things?”

— Dane Cook