Chris Onstad Quotes

The saddest thing is a retarded man who is crying and promising a broken egg that it will still be a chicken some day.
And that they'll play together in a field when it gets better.

— Chris Onstad

“I wish in the past I had tried more things 'cause now I know that being in trouble is a fake idea.”

— Chris Onstad

“The saddest thing is a little girl who is told by her own mother and father that she will never be pretty.
And then they open the front door, and on the porch is a little white suitcase, with all of her things in it.”

— Chris Onstad

“It's kind of like ... It's kind of like playin' a basketball game. I am there and the other player is there, and it's just the two of us and I put the other player's body in my van. And I am the winner.”

— Chris Onstad

If you think about it even medium-hard, launching a scared little dog into space with no intention of getting it back is a seriously fucked thing to do.

— Chris Onstad

“College is just a place where they let you pay them to tell you things you should be getting paid to learn on the job. TRUE.
Don't take that teat, baby. That is a raw tittie. College is a red raw areola, and instead of milk it releases highly acidic French dressing.
"Ray's Place" 1/6/04”

— Chris Onstad

“Welcome to the only game in town.”

— Chris Onstad

“The saddest thing is an old bag lady, freezing to death in the snow on Christmas Eve, and the last thing she sees is a family in a nice warm diner getting beheaded by the Taliban.”

— Chris Onstad

“Fire is not a thing. It is a situation of temperature.”

— Chris Onstad

“The saddest thing is when the toilet from an abandoned space station falls back to earth, lands upside-down on a child who was playing alone in the backyard, and smooshes them into the shape of half a hard-boiled egg.
... And when they lift the toilet off of the child, two lips at the top of the bloody mound say, on their dying breath, I love you, mommy.”

— Chris Onstad

Dude, you didn't fugue, you were just berserk. That's like comparing a lunatic to a pissed guy with goals.

— Chris Onstad

YOU GONNA STAND THERE WITH YOUR BUTT ON THE BACK OF YOUR BODY OR ARE YOU GONNA GET IN ON THIS, BEEF?

— Chris Onstad