Billy Connolly Quotes

“A fart is just your arse applauding.”

— Billy Connolly

“Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.”

— Billy Connolly

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”

— Billy Connolly

Fuck the begrudgers

— Billy Connolly

“All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.”

— Billy Connolly

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

— Billy Connolly

“Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.”

— Billy Connolly

“Film and TV V.I.P, seeker of the peace, part time chandelier cleaner, a legend in his own time, oppressor of champions, soldier of fortune, world traveller, bonvivant, all round good guy, international lover, casual hero, philosopher, wars fought, bears wrestled, equations solved, virgins enlightened, revolutions quelled, tigers castrated, orgies organised, bars quaffed dry, governments run, test rockets flown, life president of the Liquidarian Society of Great Britain and Ireland.”

— Billy Connolly

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

— Billy Connolly

“Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”

— Billy Connolly

“I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.”

— Billy Connolly

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.

— Billy Connolly

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

— Billy Connolly

“I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.”

— Billy Connolly

“Never trust anybody with only one book.”

— Billy Connolly

“Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.”

— Billy Connolly

“There's no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.”

— Billy Connolly

“I'm actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.”

— Billy Connolly

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

— Billy Connolly

“I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.”

— Billy Connolly

“If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.”

— Billy Connolly

And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".

— Billy Connolly

“When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.”

— Billy Connolly

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, Did you fall? He said, No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.

— Billy Connolly

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

— Billy Connolly

“Don't work out, work in.”

— Billy Connolly

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

— Billy Connolly

“Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.”

— Billy Connolly

“I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That's what girls do. I think I am a girl really.”

— Billy Connolly

“People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.”

— Billy Connolly

“Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.”

— Billy Connolly

I can't believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

— Billy Connolly

“I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.”

— Billy Connolly

“I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.”

— Billy Connolly

“Don't die until you're dead.”

— Billy Connolly

“Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.”

— Billy Connolly

“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”

— Billy Connolly

“Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!”

— Billy Connolly

“Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"”

— Billy Connolly

“I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.”

— Billy Connolly

“I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.”

— Billy Connolly

“My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.”

— Billy Connolly

“Nothing means anything here. When they pull down an outstanding building, no one objects. Oh, maybe there's a wee protest from some collectors or something who take a picture of it before it vanishes.”

— Billy Connolly

“I?m much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America ... People shout: "Hey ? I know you! You're That Guy.".”

— Billy Connolly

“,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from.”

— Billy Connolly

“I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.”

— Billy Connolly

“For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.”

— Billy Connolly

“I just believe in the movie. I don't care what the book was like. I don't care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I've got.”

— Billy Connolly

“The zombie sex, I have no idea. It must be like tantric sex.”

— Billy Connolly

The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.

— Billy Connolly