Bauvard Quotes

“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”

— Bauvard

“The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.”

— Bauvard

“Use condoms; it's wise not to gamble with your children's future.”

— Bauvard

“Just relax. Everyone around you is working too hard.”

— Bauvard

So many things happen that we can't control, its best not to worry about what we can. Believing you can change the world has a terrible effect on one's ego.

— Bauvard

“Usually I am the only subject I care to discuss with company. But when I'm getting reacquainted with an old friend, I really enjoy just sitting back and listening to them talk about me for a while.”

— Bauvard

“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”

— Bauvard

“Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.”

— Bauvard

“Spending one's last moments prostrated before the toilet is the supreme act of repentance. It allows one to relieve a heavy inner burden.”

— Bauvard

“If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.”

— Bauvard

“I had a dream about you. You were lost in a daydream, when I walked in and you began screaming. But I know that could never actually happen. In real life I only enter people's nightmares.”

— Bauvard

“Flatterers should be mistrusted, especially when they praise the dead. To seek a place in society is self-serving, but to seek one in history affects everyone.”

— Bauvard

“Pure joy is rare. That's why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.”

— Bauvard

“Without humor, we'd all be what we're laughing at. Without arrogance, we'd be humiliated to admit we already are.”

— Bauvard

“Children should have a balanced diet. They should only consume sugar, salt, and fat in equal quantities.”

— Bauvard

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don't bother introducing yourself.

— Bauvard

“Liver failure is the easiest way to say 'no' to alcohol.”

— Bauvard

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

— Bauvard

“A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.”

— Bauvard

One never owns a book. It sits on your shelf in a fine edition like a piece of furniture, and you are its admiring ward until it flies off from you in a time of financial hardship. If it is a tattered paperback, she is your casual mistress you use a few times. If you have read it a hundred times then it is your wife, and a source of infinite mystery.

— Bauvard

“The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.”

— Bauvard

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent's past, there's leftover booze and contraceptives.

— Bauvard

“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

— Bauvard

“I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I'm very well endowed.”

— Bauvard

Sending love letters to first-graders will teach them lessons in cursive. But writing back will test their commitment.

— Bauvard

“The stoic contemplates fallen leaves; the epicure rakes them into a loveseat.”

— Bauvard

“Somewhere in the background of magnificence lurks the kitchen staff. But a magnificent person only forgets about his origins, never his brunch.”

— Bauvard

“Performance enhancements are most impressive when used by that sedentary athlete, the videogamer. After he turns to hitchhiking in disgrace, his giant thumbs can take him anywhere.”

— Bauvard

“When it's not enough to veto your children's tendencies, you must in vitro them.”

— Bauvard

“Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.”

— Bauvard

“Give up your dreams; you'll accomplish more without sleep.”

— Bauvard

“The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.”

— Bauvard

Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with.

— Bauvard

“I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.”

— Bauvard

“Experience: the vehicle of history. Teenagers: the driving force behind fatal accidents.”

— Bauvard

“When cultivating your garden, keep the soil healthy with encroachers. The most redolent flowers grow over graves.”

— Bauvard

Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits.

— Bauvard

“Hypocrisy is a quality found in others. I am an optimist. I believe that saying the right thing will eventually cause people to do the right thing for me.”

— Bauvard

“What is the world coming to when girls allow their hands to be kissed without gloves? That young people don't use proper protection these days is exactly why there are always so many colds going around.”

— Bauvard

“Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.”

— Bauvard

“When a person encounters his own statue and takes a hammer to it, performance art adds depth to greatness.”

— Bauvard

“Religious fasting is the best way to cure an anorexic's spirit: in heaven her condition will be normal.”

— Bauvard

“It's best to only exercise when the air conditioning is working properly outside. A strong wind ensures one doesn't sweat very much.”

— Bauvard

“Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?”

— Bauvard

I happen to find ceilings much lovelier than the night sky myself. Sometimes I just stare at them for hours and wonder what could be up there.

— Bauvard

“As a captain whose vessel is about to crash on the rocks empties its souls of doubt, so are the hesitant useful for throwing off of an enterprise nearing its end: blame must be cast in failure, profits divided easily in success.”

— Bauvard

“The smaller the dinner table, the better the side conversation: you can gossip about the guests without fearing whether you will be overheard. It just isn't good table manners to exclude someone from their own ridicule. That's why the juiciest side conversations occur at a table for one.”

— Bauvard

“A hobby is labor disguising itself as leisure. It is extremely destructive to the boundaries of private life.”

— Bauvard

When you don't hold your pipe with the proper poise, smoking is very hazardous for your image.

— Bauvard

“I had a dream about you. You were being hung. I had a sword in one hand and a stool in the other. I couldn't decide which one to use, so I stood on the stool and threw myself on the sword. It was the least I could do to protest capital punishment.”

— Bauvard