Artie Lange Quotes

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.

— Artie Lange

“All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in the valley below. No one goes there on purpose, if you get what I'm saying, because the only way to find your personal low is to slip and roll down that mountain of yours, straight through to the bottom, no holds barred.”

— Artie Lange

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

— Artie Lange

“The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.”

— Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

— Artie Lange

“It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy. He wasn't the greatest looking guy in the world.”

— Artie Lange

“When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like, comedians talk about hacks, and what a hack is, is someone who does stuff that's not original.”

— Artie Lange

“You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'”

— Artie Lange

“My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.”

— Artie Lange

“Have you ever Googled yourself? I did, most depressing thing ever. People have websites hoping I die at 38.”

— Artie Lange

“I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.”

— Artie Lange

“Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak you fell from, do you truly know how small you are and understand how tall you used to be.”

— Artie Lange

“Unlike a lot of comics, I didn't care about getting on 'Saturday Night Live.' That show had such history and was so established that I didn't see the point.”

— Artie Lange

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

— Artie Lange

“Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.”

— Artie Lange

“Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just ... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do in standup is create spontaneity, somehow; even though you've done this act a million times, you gotta look like you're almost just thinking of it now, to make it entertainer.”

— Artie Lange

“When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.”

— Artie Lange

“'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.”

— Artie Lange

“Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.”

— Artie Lange

“I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something.”

— Artie Lange

“By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long.”

— Artie Lange

“I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.”

— Artie Lange

“I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.”

— Artie Lange

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

— Artie Lange

“I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.”

— Artie Lange

“I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.”

— Artie Lange

“And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.”

— Artie Lange

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

— Artie Lange

“My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly and catch them well. It was great training for when I started to play on teams, which I did all through school.”

— Artie Lange

“Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.”

— Artie Lange

“When you did impressions on 'MADtv,' the producers gave you a Walkman that played huge sections of whatever movie was being parodied, with your character's catchphrases recorded on a loop. You'd wear this thing around during rehearsals and for a week listen to the voice you had to impersonate over and over again. It drove all of us crazy.”

— Artie Lange

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

— Artie Lange

“I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'”

— Artie Lange

“Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.”

— Artie Lange

“You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of ways, you don't have anything to give once you give it to the people.”

— Artie Lange

“A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.”

— Artie Lange

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

— Artie Lange

“I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.”

— Artie Lange

“If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?”

— Artie Lange

“Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.”

— Artie Lange

“I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.”

— Artie Lange

“When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.”

— Artie Lange

“In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party.”

— Artie Lange

“I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.”

— Artie Lange

“For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah.”

— Artie Lange

“Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.”

— Artie Lange

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

— Artie Lange

“You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went wait, don't curse.”

— Artie Lange

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

— Artie Lange

“I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.”

— Artie Lange