Alonzo Bodden Quotes

“In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk. Ladies, you fake orgasms. We fake listening.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a couple of NASCAR fans and you'll see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. And I can make fun of NASCAR fans, because if they chase me, I just turn right.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“There are three goals for any comedian: to make a living as a comedian; I've been fortunate to do that. To make a name for yourself and to be famous would be great - because it would give me that freedom.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“Comedy is the drug, when they laugh it's like I'm a jazz musician and they hear it, and they get it. It's power to take the crowd wherever I want them to go. I love it when they laugh, especially when they relate through laughter. It's a beautiful thing. It also means I'm going to get paid, which is nice.”

— Alonzo Bodden

There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!

— Alonzo Bodden

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

— Alonzo Bodden

“I could always make people laugh.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?”

— Alonzo Bodden

You can't bring tweezers on an airplane. If I'm on a plane and you try to hijack it with tweezers, I'll whip your ass, man. You think I'm going to be late because you've got tweezers and a bad attitude?

— Alonzo Bodden

“I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.”

— Alonzo Bodden

Scientists are trying to invent Viagra for women. It's been along for years ... it's called cash.

— Alonzo Bodden

“Black people don't hijack planes, alright? Now I'll be the first to admit, we steal a lot of stuff, but we do not hijack planes. In fact, in the history of aviation, a black person has never even attempted to hijack a plane. Do you want to know why? Because you can't sell an airplane.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“I ride because there's nothing like in the world. It's a passion. It's something I absolutely have to do and I can never imagine not doing it.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.”

— Alonzo Bodden

I wasn't always a comic, I used to do honest work.

— Alonzo Bodden

I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into gay shape. Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of ... listen ... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.

— Alonzo Bodden

“We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.”

— Alonzo Bodden

They sold me a duvet cover, and I don't have a duvet, I don't think. Then, they started treating me like I'm the idiot. They're like, 'Do you have a comforter?' 'Yeah.' 'Well, you have to protect it!' I had no idea it was under attack.

— Alonzo Bodden

“A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.”

— Alonzo Bodden

I like psycho chicks ... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

— Alonzo Bodden

“I'm a black male, over 40, with no kids, living in the suburbs - they wanted to put me in a museum. Why did I move to the suburbs? I started watching Desperate Housewives. If comedy didn't work out I can always try gardening.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim ...”

— Alonzo Bodden

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

— Alonzo Bodden

The difference, generally speaking, between sportbike people and cruiser people is that sportbike people like performance skill and wear safety gear; cruisers like chrome, noise, and style. It's funny to me to separate them because I ride both. I prefer performance cruisers like the Honda Valkyrie I had or my Triumph Rocket III.

— Alonzo Bodden

“I was teaching airplane mechanics when I realized it was more fun to make them laugh. I was laid off one more time and I never looked back, although it was nice to have a steady paycheck and benefits.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“Latinos outnumber Black people now. I'm not too happy about it. Because it's only a matter of time before we lose our month. Soon as they figure it out, they're going to have Latino History Month. All we're going to have is Cinco de Negro.”

— Alonzo Bodden

“Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.”

— Alonzo Bodden