Adam Rex Quotes

“Woah,' I said, blocking the doorway. 'You can't come in here. This is the girls' room.'
Even as it came out of my mouth, I knew it sounded dumb. Dumb, I thought and maybe even wrong.
You ... are a boy, aren't you?' I asked. 'I mean, don't take that the wrong way or anything -'
J.Lo is a boy, yes.' I let that go.
So ... you Boov have boys and girls ... just like us?'
Of course,' said J.Lo. 'Do not be ridicumlous.'
I smiled a wan little smile. 'Sorry.'
The Boov have seven magnificent genders. There is boy, girl, girlboy, boygirl, boyboy, boyboygirl, and boyboyboyboy.'
I had absolutely no response to this.”

— Adam Rex

Can I see some ID?"
"WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID ... THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN."
Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out.

— Adam Rex

“I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G."
"Sausages.”

— Adam Rex

“Wherefor are you knowing it? If you stacked all of the Gorg in the galaxy on top of eachother, the Gorg would kill you.”

— Adam Rex

“The Boov frowned. 'Everybodies always is wanting to make a clone for to doing their work. If you are not wanting to do your work, why would a clone of you want to do your work?”

— Adam Rex

“We could have made it to the Arizona border in a few more hours if we hadn't been distracting each other with stupid little arguments. Don't get me wrong; I liked J.Lo fine. I've made that bed. But I'm not sure there's a person in the world I could be with twenty-four hours a day for three weeks without getting a little snippy. If I ever meet such a person, I'm marrying them.”

— Adam Rex

“Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind.
[ ... ] 'Noble Savages of Earth,' he said. 'Long time we have tried to live together in peace.' (It had been five months.) 'Long time have the Boov suffered under the hostileness and intolerableness of you people. With sad hearts I now concede that Boov and humans will never to exist as one.'
I remember being really excited at this point. Could I possibly be hearing right? Were the Boov about to leave? I was so stupid.
'And so now I generously grant you Human Preserves - gifts of land that will be for humans forever, never to be taken away again, now.'
[ ... ] So that's when we Americans were given Florida. One state for three hundred million people. There were going to be some serious lines for the bathrooms.”

— Adam Rex

When I was a little girl,' I said, sitting down, 'the wallpaper in my room had pictures of Noah's story.' [ ... ]
You know what's weird though? It's weird that the ark would be such a kids' story, you know? I mean, it's ... really a story about death. Every person who isn't in Noah's family? They die. Every animal, apart from two of each on the boat? They die. They all die in the flood. Billions of creatures. It's the worst tragedy ever,' I finished, my voice tied off by a knot in my chest.[ ... ] 'What the hell,'I said, 'pardon my language, was that doing on my wallpaper?

— Adam Rex

“What part of Canada are you from, honey?"
"THE LEFT PART," said Jay.”

— Adam Rex

“Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.”

— Adam Rex

“We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.'
'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.”

— Adam Rex

“[J.Lo] found us a police car. Sort of.
'It's not a police car,' I said.
'It is,' said J.Lo. 'Looknow. Lights for flashing.'
'That's true.'
'Writing on the sides.'
'Yeah, but the writing? It says 'BullShake Party Patrol.'
Yes. Whatnow?”

— Adam Rex

“Why would a vampire create a younger vampire if there was a possibility the young one might end up destroying the old one?'
Stephin stared. 'If you can explain to me how this is different from parenting in general I might know how to answer that.”

— Adam Rex

“Sejal had not thought of her home, or of India as a whole, as cool. She was dimly aware, however, of a white Westerner habit of wearing other cultures like T-shirts-the sticker bindis on club kids, sindoor in the hair of an unmarried pop star, Hindi characters inked carelessly on tight tank tops and pale flesh. She knew Americans liked to flash a little Indian or Japanese or African. They were always looking for a little pepper to put in their dish.”

— Adam Rex

I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda ... I should be a video game.

— Adam Rex

“Archimedes was a mathematician," blurted Ethan from the back of the room. "And he was Greek. And he invented things." Ethan was the sort of student who was always keeping score
if he couldn't be the first to declare his knowledge of something, he would make certain you understood that he'd known it already. One day he would be declared the winner, and there would be a Smartest Boy trophy and a parade.”

— Adam Rex

“Allo!" he shouted as he drifted away."there is no to fear! The Boov have stopped eating you people!”

— Adam Rex

“I'm sorry, but -I'm sorry!' I yelped and skipped backward as Gorg advanced on me. 'You were given bad information. Probably some human's fault.'
I AM PRINCIPAL ANGER COORDINATOR ASSOCIATE-OF-THE-MONTH GORG FOUR-GORG! HUMANS WILL GIVE ME BAD INFORMATION AT THEIR PERIL!'
He didn't look like a principal. He looked like something Hercules ought to be wrestling on the side of a vase.”

— Adam Rex

“You can do terrible things when you don't know who you are ...”

— Adam Rex

“Can I come into the out now? - Jlo”

— Adam Rex

The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.

— Adam Rex

“The Boov frowned. 'Now you sound like sheep.”

— Adam Rex

Sometimes you really want to say "Duh," but you can't. It's a part of growing up, I guess.

— Adam Rex

“A row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.”

— Adam Rex

“So why the pelican? Said Haskoll.
The thief was giving Haskoll a look that said, Man, why NOT the pelican?”

— Adam Rex

“Told you," said Mick. "Things comin' together. We set off lookin' for the Utz kids an' find a tree full o' everybody. That's magic, too."
"It's like a story."
"Same thing. The universe don't like plot. Story is magic's way o' telling the universe to sod off."
"That's good then, right?" said Scott. After this episode with Emily, he was ready for some optimism. "Magic wants us all to live happily ever after."
"Not necessarily," Mick answered. "Magic likes a good tragedy, too.”

— Adam Rex

“As far as pets go, a cat is a nice on to have.”

— Adam Rex

“In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you."
"Fight or flight."
"Yes."
"Only half of that is flight.”

— Adam Rex

“Regarding stickyfish teams, I favor the Bigfield Fighting Koobish.”

— Adam Rex

“I felt a stack of shelves, and these were filled with plastic bottles and maybe buckets, and one object that felt like the worst thing in the world but which turned out later to be a sandwich.”

— Adam Rex

“It smelled the way a garage would smell if you left a bear inside it for too long.”

— Adam Rex

J.Lo gasped. When I looked to see why, he had one hand to his mouth and the other pointing at me.
"You ... " he squealed, wagging his finger. " ... your hand!"
I raised my hand to my face, turning it over and back again.
"What? What's wrong with it?"
"You are bearing the mark! The mark that has been foretold! You are The One ... The One who will bring peace onto the galaxy!"
"What, this? This is taco sauce," I said, wiping it clean.
J.Lo stared at my palm for a moment, then turned back to the wall.
"Never mind," he said.

— Adam Rex

“I'm half white," I said, folding my arms.
"Hrrm. Which half?"
I blinked. "Uh ... dunno. Let's just say it's from the waist down."
Chief Shouting Bear nodded. "Deal. I only hate your legs.”

— Adam Rex

“Project: Potential was a separate class that the gifted students went to for an hour each day. The name was supposed to make it exciting, like Code Name: Cursive or Mission: State Capitals.”

— Adam Rex

“He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.”

— Adam Rex

Polly Esther Doe was born at 8:03 a.m. on August 14.

— Adam Rex

Scottish Play Doe was born at 4:13 a.m. on September 6th. The ink was barely dry on his father's new tattoo.

— Adam Rex

“They were just people. They were too smart and too stupid to be anything else.”

— Adam Rex

There's a little bit of magic in every box!

— Adam Rex

“This is exciting," said J.Lo. "We are sneaky agent men, like Bond James Bond."
"I don't know where you pick this stuff up.”

— Adam Rex

I think there's a part of the brain, probably somewhere in the back, that won't give up believing in magic. It was the part that made cavemen believe that drawing elks on stone would make for a good hunt the next day. And it's still chugging along, making you think you have lucky socks, or that your kids' birthdays will win the lottery.

— Adam Rex

“Aw, hewwo, widdle Chihuahua," she said. "Hewwo.”

— Adam Rex

“Why did you attack some girl's boots?"
J.Lo looked incredulous. "She is still mad about this?" he huffed. "I TOLD her-I THOUGHT they were ANKLEwolves."
"Okay, whatever. I-"
"Why elsenow would a person wear fur with shortpants? It makes no sense!”

— Adam Rex

“Ohh!" said J.Lo. "Oooooh! My tummy!"
I set him down. "Are you okay? I thought they missed us."
"It ... must not work on humans. Feel like i could marf ... Like I could marf right out my poomp," J.Lo insisted.”

— Adam Rex

“I'm part fairy,' said John. There was a quiet pause, and he eyed the man. 'Is that a problem?' 'No, sir. The United States military is very accepting of that sort of thing nowadays.”

— Adam Rex

“You know what's weird, though? It's weird that the ark would be such a kids' story, you know? I mean, it's ... really a story about death. Every person who isn't in Noah's family? They die. Every animal, apart from the two of each on the boat? They die. They all die in the flood. Billions of creatures. It's the worst tragedy ever, I finished, my voice tied off by a knot in my chest. I'd been speaking too fast without breathing, and I sucked down air before speaking again.”

— Adam Rex

“Control was the basis of all humor. Even at its most innocent, what was a joke or a clever comment if not a way to take control? To become King of the Moment.”

— Adam Rex

“When we wants to do something but cannot, that is when we think. When our consciousness awakes up and stretches its arms. That is when we imagine, and plan, and dream about the undone thing.”

— Adam Rex

“Magic likes a good tragedy, too.”

— Adam Rex

“For the gentle werelibrarian, who's strictly vegetarian, there's nothing like Tofillager the MEATLESS TOFU VILLAGER”

— Adam Rex