W.C. Fields quotes: top 238 famous quotes by W.C. Fields

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

— W.C. Fields

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”

— W.C. Fields

“I'd like to see Paris before I die ... Philadelphia will do.”

— W.C. Fields

“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

— W.C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

— W.C. Fields

“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”

— W.C. Fields

“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”

— W.C. Fields

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”

— W.C. Fields

“Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!”

— W.C. Fields

“Drowned in a vat of whiskey ... Oh Death, where is thy sting?”

— W.C. Fields

“I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”

— W.C. Fields

“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”

— W.C. Fields

“The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.”

— W.C. Fields

“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.”

— W.C. Fields

“I must have a drink of breakfast.”

— W.C. Fields

“I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.”

— W.C. Fields

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

— W.C. Fields

“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”

— W.C. Fields

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

— W.C. Fields

“My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.”

— W.C. Fields

“I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.”

— W.C. Fields

“I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.”

— W.C. Fields

“The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.”

— W.C. Fields

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

— W.C. Fields

“Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it, but you can die having it.”

— W.C. Fields

“It is impossible to find twelve fair men in all the world.”

— W.C. Fields

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

— W.C. Fields

“Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.”

— W.C. Fields

“I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.”

— W.C. Fields

“I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.”

— W.C. Fields

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

— W.C. Fields

“Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!”

— W.C. Fields

“The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.”

— W.C. Fields

“The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”

— W.C. Fields

“Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.”

— W.C. Fields

“Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.”

— W.C. Fields

“Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.”

— W.C. Fields

“Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.”

— W.C. Fields

“There are better things than sex, but nothing quite like it.”

— W.C. Fields

“How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.”

— W.C. Fields

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

— W.C. Fields

“You can't cheat an honest man.”

— W.C. Fields

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.”

— W.C. Fields

“I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically.”

— W.C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

— W.C. Fields

“It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors.”

— W.C. Fields

“If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”

— W.C. Fields

“When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.”

— W.C. Fields

“I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.”

— W.C. Fields

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

— W.C. Fields

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