W.C. Fields Quotes
Enjoy the top 238 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by W.C. Fields.

“If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.”
— W.C. Fields —
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
— W.C. Fields
“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”
— W.C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
— W.C. Fields
— W.C. Fields
“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.”
— W.C. Fields
“I must have a drink of breakfast.”
— W.C. Fields
“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”
— W.C. Fields
“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”
— W.C. Fields
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
— W.C. Fields
A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.
— W.C. Fields
“I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.”
— W.C. Fields
“I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.”
— W.C. Fields
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
— W.C. Fields
“The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.”
— W.C. Fields
“Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians.”
— W.C. Fields
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
— W.C. Fields
“You can't cheat an honest man.”
— W.C. Fields
All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.
— W.C. Fields
— W.C. Fields
I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
— W.C. Fields
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