The Harvard Lampoon Quotes

Enjoy the top 33 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by The Harvard Lampoon.

The Harvard Lampoon Quotes

Youre lucky I was on that roof all day. That old man ... he was trying to sell you a Sega product.
— The Harvard Lampoon —

I was so attracted to him I could have peed myself right there on the spot, but I hadn't done anything like that in a while. I was older now, and harnessed my feelings in moments like these by opening and closing my fists very rapidly.

— The Harvard Lampoon

After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden cross.
"Ironic, huh?" Edwart said.
"Why?" I asked with trepidation, imagining that, at any second, Edwart would turn into dust, which I would then sweep up and disperse over my furniture so he would always be with me.
"Because we're Jewish, of course
nonpracticing.

— The Harvard Lampoon

The two things I look for in a guy is how tall he is and whether or not he's a vampire. Pretty much all my crushes have been one or the other. One guy, actually, was both big and a vampire, but he turned out to be gay.

— The Harvard Lampoon

He made small talk on the way about how he was abandoned as a child and will only rest easy once he is avenged. His name was Tom.

— The Harvard Lampoon

Germs contagious, contagious alert!
But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!

— The Harvard Lampoon

Quick, I told myself. Try to remember what you learned from Jimbo's Self Defence for Young Ladies. Jimbo was a beefy man with prison tats.
"Go into the nearest dark alley," I recalled Jimbo saying. "Freeze like a rabbit or the creature you desire your attacker to mistake you for. If your attacker shouts out to you, respond politely - maybe your optimism will change his mind. If you're about to get into an elevator with a man you feel uncomfortable spending time with in a small, escapeless room, head right in. Remember , fear i an irrational emotion, you should probably ignore it."
Armed with these tips, I hung a right into the nearest dead-end, curled into a ball and started rolling.

— The Harvard Lampoon

Listen' he whispered ferociously, like a ferocious breeze or a very gentle hurricane.

— The Harvard Lampoon

And when I have to step in puddles, he lays himself down in the water so I can walk on his back to avoid getting wet. You know, normal friend stuff.

— The Harvard Lampoon

I had a dejected, brooding expression on my face, and I
could tell from the reflection in the window that it was also
an intriguing expression.

— The Harvard Lampoon

You should have seen the costumes for the last few prom themes: Pimps and their srteet ho's; CEOs and their office ho's; GI Joes and their combat ho's; Gardeners and their garden hose;Firemen and their fire hose ... If you ask me, a 'masquerade' theme isn't flattering for anyones features, nor does it define the apppropriate gender roles very clearly.

— The Harvard Lampoon

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