Stephen Colbert Quotes

Enjoy the top 502 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert Quotes

Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
— Stephen Colbert —

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

— Stephen Colbert

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?

— Stephen Colbert

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.

— Stephen Colbert

My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.

— Stephen Colbert

Who really wants to be themselves when they're teenagers?

— Stephen Colbert

Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.

— Stephen Colbert

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.

— Stephen Colbert

I believe all God's creatures have a soul ... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!

— Stephen Colbert

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.

— Stephen Colbert

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.

— Stephen Colbert

And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.

— Stephen Colbert

I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.

— Stephen Colbert

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?

— Stephen Colbert

Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I'm not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it's at least Gay-rusalem.

— Stephen Colbert

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.

— Stephen Colbert

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

— Stephen Colbert

There's a buzz to failing and not dying.

— Stephen Colbert

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