Ryan Stiles Quotes

“Back off or the lizard gets it!”

— Ryan Stiles

The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue.

— Ryan Stiles

“Never trust sheep.”

— Ryan Stiles

“I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States.”

— Ryan Stiles

I'm convinced to do improv. All you have to do is listen to what people are saying to you, and then just add more information to what they've just said. That's all there is to improv, but it's the hardest thing to do.

— Ryan Stiles

“I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around.”

— Ryan Stiles

If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!

— Ryan Stiles

Never interrupt me when I'm eating a banana.

— Ryan Stiles

“You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.”

— Ryan Stiles

“If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian.”

— Ryan Stiles

“What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.”

— Ryan Stiles

“I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe.”

— Ryan Stiles

“I wasn't particularly funny in high school, but I grew up with three older brothers who were quite funny.”

— Ryan Stiles

“That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy.”

— Ryan Stiles

“If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me.”

— Ryan Stiles

“I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.”

— Ryan Stiles

“If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife.”

— Ryan Stiles

“The first rule to living in America is 'Stop tap dancing, you fool!'.”

— Ryan Stiles

“Drew's a funny guy. Because anything he gets into, he gets in 100%. Even when we were doing 'The Drew Carey Show,' he got into bowling, and suddenly he's phoning up pros for tips and carrying around 3 balls. It's just how he does it.”

— Ryan Stiles

“If I were like your mother, I would be a woman.”

— Ryan Stiles

I love B.C., but you know what taxes are like in Canada.

— Ryan Stiles

“When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I'm damn gouda.”

— Ryan Stiles

“I did standup for a lot of years, too, but when you come out as a standup, you get the feeling from a crowd - it's a kind of a 'make me laugh' attitude. But when you come out as an improvisor, they realize that they're suggesting everything you do. So they're already invested in the scene, and they actually want it to work.”

— Ryan Stiles

“I was into sports in high school, but I got kicked out of Richmond High at 17, so I never graduated. However, I still get invites to the class reunions ... I don't know that I want to see how everyone looks now.”

— Ryan Stiles

“On 'Whose Line,' we had six, seven, eight scenes per show, so everything was pretty quick. And there's a lot of games that we just got tired of, like 'Hats' and 'World's Worst' and 'Hoedown' and stuff.”

— Ryan Stiles

I am breathing. That's how I'm staying alive!

— Ryan Stiles

Quiet! I'm expressing myself!

— Ryan Stiles

“Two thongs don't make a right.”

— Ryan Stiles

“The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey!”

— Ryan Stiles

“I look like Walt Disney just threw up.”

— Ryan Stiles

“We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon.”

— Ryan Stiles