Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Enjoy the top 370 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Onions make me sad. A lot of people dont realize that.
— Mitch Hedberg —

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

— Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

— Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

— Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti ... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

— Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

— Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

— Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

— Mitch Hedberg

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ... Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

— Mitch Hedberg

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

— Mitch Hedberg

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

— Mitch Hedberg

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

— Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

— Mitch Hedberg

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

— Mitch Hedberg

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

— Mitch Hedberg

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