Mark Russell Quotes

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

— Mark Russell

“The sacred exists only at the expense of the truth.”

— Mark Russell

It might seem a little trite, all this trouble over a stupid wall. But you've got to understand, it was the wall that finally allowed people to return to Jerusalem without having to worry about being overrun by thieves, marauders, and rapists. A few hardscrabble pioneers can make a go of it in a lawless wasteland, but if you want the artists, priests, and scribes to come, then you need a wall to protect them. And those are the people who create your culture, write your history. It might be construction workers who build your nation, and soldiers who guard it, but it's the nerds who make it a civilization.

— Mark Russell

“King David had gotten old. He was so cold and frail that the court appointed a young woman to snuggle with him in his bed. No, they didn't have sex. Though the court did make a point of hiring someone beautiful, just to put a little sizzle in his chicken.”

— Mark Russell

“The way money goes so fast these days, they should paint racing stripes on it.”

— Mark Russell

You know that a given in life in human nature, is that at a sporting event, a baseball game, a football game, you never introduce a politician, is because he'll be booed. I don't care if he's the most beloved person in the world, its part of the game.

— Mark Russell

“If the audience doesn't like it, usually they're just silent. But they've never all walked out at once.”

— Mark Russell

“You've got the brain-washed, that's the Democrats, and the brain-dead, that's the Republicans!”

— Mark Russell

“The thing that you're faulted on today is not that you are too tough, or not that you aren't careful. It's that you might have been too soft. People want that red meat now because you have to keep up with the mood and the mood today is harsh. It really is.”

— Mark Russell

“People are not in a good mood when any politician's face appears on television.”

— Mark Russell

“Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it.”

— Mark Russell

“Believe me when I say that Bill Clinton's second term will be good for business. My business.”

— Mark Russell

“If you call your opponent a politician, it's grounds for libel.”

— Mark Russell

“I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.”

— Mark Russell

“I'll keep doing it until I die or the audiences die.”

— Mark Russell

We're just moving along as quick as possible.

— Mark Russell

I can't think of a performer who is better on television than in person.

— Mark Russell

“You know when Jerry Ford gets the best joke, you know you're in trouble.”

— Mark Russell

“Rush has done some top-notch quality work, and we're very, very pleased with them. We really enjoy working with them. They are on time and on budget, which makes me happy.”

— Mark Russell

“You have the establishment and then you have the hippies revolting against the establishment, and what you end up getting are like accountants with long hair. And that's kind of what happened with the youth movement in the '70s.”

— Mark Russell

“I think you can't write with anger. I think it always has to be with a wink. There always has to be an element of hope in what you write. Otherwise you're just getting mad and it's not going to be fun for anybody.”

— Mark Russell

“I'm not trying to write a bleak and blistering screed against American civilization. I'm writing something that I hope is fun and satirical and full of possibility.”

— Mark Russell

“I think even the characters that are fundamentally evil and wrong, I want people to really love them. I think that's important to writing believable characters. They don't have to be likable but they have to be loved, at least by the author.”

— Mark Russell

“Young people, take heart: the older you get, the fewer commandments you will have the strength to break.”

— Mark Russell

You have to imbue the characters with their own sort of feeling of justification and morality. Everyone has that, whether we see them as evil or not. So I try to bring the characters to life by making them likable or lovable, in the sense that they can be, at least to themselves.

— Mark Russell

“I squirm when I see athletes praying before a game. Don't they realize that if God took sports seriously he never would have created George Steinbrenner.”

— Mark Russell

“The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!”

— Mark Russell

A Consultant is a guy who knows 125 different ways to make love, but who doesn't know any women.

— Mark Russell