Joan Rivers Quotes

Enjoy the top 386 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Joan Rivers.

Joan Rivers Quotes

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
— Joan Rivers —

I'm tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?

— Joan Rivers

If you have more than a couple of kids, you're not parents-you're hoarders. And hoarding is a disorder, not a gift.

— Joan Rivers

We wanted to do it, and we did it and we don't give a damn,

— Joan Rivers

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

— Joan Rivers

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

— Joan Rivers

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

— Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

— Joan Rivers

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

— Joan Rivers

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

— Joan Rivers

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

— Joan Rivers

Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because
she couldn't remember the lines.

— Joan Rivers

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

— Joan Rivers

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

— Joan Rivers

I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.

— Joan Rivers

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

— Joan Rivers

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

— Joan Rivers

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

— Joan Rivers

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