Jim Norton Quotes
Enjoy the top 46 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jim Norton.

“The only time the press doesnt sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.”
— Jim Norton —
The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
— Jim Norton
— Jim Norton
“I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.”
— Jim Norton
What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I'm concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don't have a hooker in your hotel room, you're creepy and I don't trust you. And I don't do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That's how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I'd look like a cat in a hoarders' house.
— Jim Norton
— Jim Norton
“What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?”
— Jim Norton
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
— Jim Norton
I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.
— Jim Norton
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.
— Jim Norton
They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
— Jim Norton
“I don't pull out because ... it's not my problem.”
— Jim Norton
For the record, I hate skiing ... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
— Jim Norton
I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.
— Jim Norton
When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating ... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.
— Jim Norton
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
— Jim Norton
“I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.”
— Jim Norton
“Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.”
— Jim Norton
“I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.”
— Jim Norton
No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.
— Jim Norton
“I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.”
— Jim Norton
You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
— Jim Norton
— Jim Norton
“You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.”
— Jim Norton
“I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.”
— Jim Norton
— Jim Norton
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