Jenny Lawson Quotes

Enjoy the top 314 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jenny Lawson.

Jenny Lawson Quotes

I made a note on my phone to create a Swiss Army Dillo but spell-check changed it to "Create a Swiss Army Dildo," which frankly just seems painful and excessive.
— Jenny Lawson —

I just want to clarify that I don't mean 'without my vagina' like I didn't have it with me at the time. I just mean that I wasn't, you know ... displaying it while I was at Starbucks. That's probably understood, but I thought I should clarify, since it's the first chapter and you don't know that much about me. So just to clarify, I always have my vagina with me. It's like my American Express card. (In that I don't leave home without it. Not that I use it to buy stuff with.)

— Jenny Lawson

Pretty much everyone hates high school. It's a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren't mutually exclusive, you know. I've tried to block out the memory of my high school years, but no matter how hard you try, it's always with you, like an unwanted hitchhiker. Or herpes. I assume ...

— Jenny Lawson

Surely the people naming antipsychotics could have come up with something less hurtful. After all, we don't call Viagra the "floppy-dick pill" and hardly any of us refer to anger-management therapy as "maybe-just-stop-being-such-an-asshole class." I honestly can't think of any drug that has more of a stigma than antipsychotics.

— Jenny Lawson

Everyone has human heads in their closet. Sometimes the heads are secrets, or unsaid confessions, or quiet fears. This book is one of those severed heads.

— Jenny Lawson

One of Victor's friends had a pet called "Terry the Truth Cat." When she was little and her father thought she was lying he would pick up the cat and say, "You kids tell me the truth or Terry gets it." I guess it was supposed to help with honesty but it seems pretty fucked up. Plus, I don't think I could threaten a cat. Maybe we could get Terry the Truth Turtle and threaten him with a fake gun. We'd be trying to get our daughter, Hailey, to tell the truth and he'd just hide his head in his shell like, "I'm not part of this. I'm not with you guys." But I don't like guns so maybe we could hold it over a pot of boiling

— Jenny Lawson

I'm not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands.

— Jenny Lawson

So just to clarify, I always have my vagina with me. It's like my American Express card.

— Jenny Lawson

I, on the other hand, spent most of the morning coming up with good names for cats that I don't currently have. My current favorite is "The President." It's an awesome name because you'd constantly find yourself saying things like, "The President will not stop sitting on my keyboard." Or "The President just threw up on the new rug." Or "I like sleeping with the President but why do I always wake up with his butt on my face?" I

— Jenny Lawson

If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both.

— Jenny Lawson

Like books, the Internet has saved my life. It helped me recognize that so many people I adore suffer from the same things I do.

— Jenny Lawson

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