Jay Mohr Quotes

Enjoy the top 38 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Jay Mohr.

Jay Mohr Quotes

Whenever I dont feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over ... and they share the same asshole.
— Jay Mohr —

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

— Jay Mohr

True Yankees are born, not made.

— Jay Mohr

Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.

— Jay Mohr

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

— Jay Mohr

Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.

— Jay Mohr

But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

— Jay Mohr

Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.

— Jay Mohr

I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.

— Jay Mohr

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

— Jay Mohr

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

— Jay Mohr

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn't be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I'm looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.

— Jay Mohr

Some ladies got the shower massager. Oh, man, you better buy her a diamond 'cause if she got a shower massager, she don't really need you anymore. That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

— Jay Mohr

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

— Jay Mohr

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

— Jay Mohr

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