Howard Tayler Quotes

Maxim 2:
A sergeant in motion outranks a lieutenant who doesn't know what's going on.
-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries

— Howard Tayler

As long as we only have to lie to the enemy, it's honest enough for me.
-Captain Tagon

— Howard Tayler

Right now I've got just two rules to live by.
Rule one: don't taunt elephants.
Rule two: don't stand next to anybody who taunts elephants.
-Sergeant Schlock

— Howard Tayler

“Spy' is such a short ugly word. I prefer 'espionage.' Those extra three syllables really say something.”

— Howard Tayler

“Judging by the sounds of general panic, I want a gun like that.”

— Howard Tayler

“The spirit of the law is the least of the things we're prepared to violate.”

— Howard Tayler

“Do me a favor, doc?"
"Anything, Captain."
"Stop italicizing the word 'Captain' when you say it."
"Go easy on the fourth wall there, sir."
-Captain Andreyasn & Doctor Bunnigus”

— Howard Tayler

“What do you think? Overkill?"
"I don't believe there is any such thing.
But in this case, 'yes, overkill.”

— Howard Tayler

“New orders: Make sure everybody who doesn't want to live here is aboard in five minutes. We are leaving.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler

“The Tausennigan Ob'enn warlords look like cuddly teddy-bears?"
"Yes, they do, and they'd cheerfully exterminate your entire race for making that observation!"
"I guess that explains their rich military history, then.”

— Howard Tayler

“I'm a disgruntled ex-civil servant, and I'm armed. If you don't process my license right now I'm going to start making small, yet significant holes in people.”

— Howard Tayler

“Being a mercenary, though ... Hey, we just go wherever there's a mixture of money and trouble, and everyone in the galaxy is a potential customer.
Even the people you're paid to shoot at?
Well, yeah. There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn & General Tagon”

— Howard Tayler

“Oh, that's great. That way, when things have quieted down, and we come up for air, or money, or re-supply, we'll get a nice explosive package from him that says "so nice to see you again" in a way that only multi-megaton yields can.”

— Howard Tayler

“We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Cross it? I'm making plans to destroy the bridge from orbit.
-Colonel Ceeta & Captain Tagon”

— Howard Tayler

“That's odd. It looks almost as if Nick is picking a fight with that elephant."
"Well, the elephant started it."
"That's irrelevant. Fighting with civilians is against the rules. Go break it up."
-Admiral Breya Andreyasn & Sergeant Schlock”

— Howard Tayler

Now, let's hear some properly terrified screaming, puny humans!

— Howard Tayler

“Kevyn, I'm promoting you from Tech Sergeant to Munitions Commander. I want you to take responsibility for all Company weapons.
Munitions Commander? Why me?
I don't know. Call it "suspicion of extreme competence" on my part.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Kevyn Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler

“Kevyn, Ennesby tells me you are building a time machine.
Actually I'm finished.
In one afternoon? Wow ... Does it work?
After a fashion.
...
I put a whole lot of energy into it, and the next thing I knew it was time for dinner.
-Captain Tagon & Commander Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler

Is it really 'pro bono' if a lawyer takes your case in exchange for explosives?
-Captain Hartung

— Howard Tayler

“When the enemy of my enemy is willing to use plasma weapons inside a hotel, I think I can do better than stupid aphorisms, General.
-Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler

“Ennesby, get the Serial Peacemaker to the beach for dustoff."
"Dustoff? You're going to run away from three guys?"
"No, I'm going to kill or capture those three guys, and then run away from the Police.”

— Howard Tayler

“The way you blunder from one catastrophe to the next, it's a wonder the whole galaxy doesn't hate you.
The galaxy is a big place, General. You provincial military types don't get far enough out to really see that.
-General Tagon & Captain Kevyn Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler

“Hi. I'm here to enlist.
You can't. You aren't human.
You see, little fella, we don't do sociological stuff like "interspeciated workplaces." We're a crack company of space mercenaries. We do "hurting people" and "breaking things."
Sounds like my kind of fun.
-Schlock & Lieutenant Der Trihs”

— Howard Tayler

No! Wait! I've got a better idea ... "
"Your ideas tend to result in unnecessary violence, Sergeant Schlock."
"And your point is ... "
"Let's broaden the definition of 'necessary'.

— Howard Tayler

Technically, you don't pay me.
And technically, most of what I do is "think."
I ... rrr. ummm.
And when you get right down to it, I'm better at it than you are.
-Ennesby & Captain Tagon

— Howard Tayler

“This document outlines our plan to perpetrate insurance fraud, insider trading, and character assassination.
... hopefully tripling our paycheck on this job.
Okay, see? Those words I understand just fine. Use them more often.
-Lieutenant Massey Reynstein & Captain Tagon”

— Howard Tayler

“Air traffic control is going to have a steamy old fit on your dime, boy.
They can get in line behind the police, the people whose cars we trashed, the Empire of Ob'enn, the Partnership Collective, and the Wormgate Corporation. Oh, and I think maybe some dark matter beasties from Andromeda.
You "think maybe"?
-General Tagon & Captain Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler

There are customers we serve, and customers we service.
-Captain Andreyasn

— Howard Tayler

“So you're a fellow mercenary, then."
"Does this mean you'll afford me some professional courtesy?"
"Don't ask for that. All it means is that you might get to face the person who kills you ... But only if it's convenient.”

— Howard Tayler

Are you guys really arguing over where to eat dinner?"
"It's one of the more savage tools in the diplomatic arsenal.

— Howard Tayler

“Captain, you have heard the charges. How do you plead? Before you answer, you should know that if you plead "guilty" you'll be immediately extradited and U.N.S. law will take over."
"Not guilty."
"Also, it's not very nice to lie in court."
"But it beats extradition.”

— Howard Tayler

“AAAAIIIE!
You're the guy with the things, and the thing that does that thing, and then you did that one thing!
Oh, and I think there's something about other things, and maybe you fix things?
-Sergeant Schlock”

— Howard Tayler

“When I find the guy who torched that forest, I'm going to eat him. And I'm only going to half-cook him first.
-Sergeant Schlock”

— Howard Tayler

“Ow. Stop that. It hurts my brain.
Isn't your brain distributed through your entire body?
See why I want you to stop with the doublethink?
-Sergeant Schlock & Captain Tagon”

— Howard Tayler

“Welcome to your new bodies, gentlemen. If you'd like, I can help you start your own 'dysmorphia is all in your head' support group.”

— Howard Tayler

Are you done briefing the company yet?"
"We, um ... Haven't gotten through the introductions yet."
"Allow me: Time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, this is the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs."
"Company, this is the time-traveling Kevyn Andreyasn, who will have become your captain thirty-two hours from now, as of seven weeks ago.
Now, quick. Let's go save the galaxy while they're confused.

— Howard Tayler

“You're more mean-spirited than I remember you being."
"It's this organic body. Hologram fur wasn't itchy.”

— Howard Tayler

“I'll leave you two alone. Morality might be contagious.”

— Howard Tayler

“Captain, I'm fairly unique among artificial intelligences. I am FREE.
I work for you because I want to.
I fly your ship for you because I enjoy it.
I am compelled to accept orders only by my conscience.
This makes me an equal with the rest of your troops. They aren't hard-wired to obey you, yet they'll follow you to the ends of the Universe.”

— Howard Tayler

“Yes, but none of them can steal my ship.
None of them are smart enough to know that it was the right thing to do at the time.”

— Howard Tayler

“We either need an overwhelming force advantage, or we need more information."
"Reinforcements cut into our bounty, remember?"
"It's unanimous. We need more information.”

— Howard Tayler

How many words are you having trouble with, sir?"
"Just the ones that I've highlighted."
"I count at least a dozen, and I haven't gotten out of the first paragraph."
"That's as far as I got, too. I'm not sure you and I speak the same language.

— Howard Tayler

“They're holding flushes of face cards, and I think we're the pot.”

— Howard Tayler

You know ... confessing to avoid prosecution is a time-honored strategy.
I don't want to be honored with time. Honor me with "slap-on-the-wrist," or maybe even "scot free.

— Howard Tayler

“Two minutes worth of signal analysis told me all I needed to know. This station "talks" to the dark matter universe about what goes on inside."
"How did you cobble together a jammer so quickly?"
"I had one on me.”

— Howard Tayler

Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?

— Howard Tayler

“The size of the promised paycheck is inversely proportional to the likelihood of surviving to collect it.”

— Howard Tayler

When the messenger arrives and says 'Don't shoot the messenger,' it's a good idea to be prepared to shoot the messenger, just in case.

— Howard Tayler

“Only cheaters prosper.”

— Howard Tayler

“Where's your sense of adventure? It died under mysterious circumstances. My sense of self-preservation found the body, but assures me it has an airtight alibi. -Captain Tagon & Captain Andreyasn”

— Howard Tayler