Eugene Mirman Quotes

Enjoy the top 90 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Eugene Mirman.

Eugene Mirman Quotes

Try not to wake up on fire.
— Eugene Mirman —

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

— Eugene Mirman

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question
something too difficult to answer quickly
e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

— Eugene Mirman

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys
either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

— Eugene Mirman

In this book I will teach you, based on stuff I have either made up, observed, or overheard, how to live the life you want
the life you Will. Obviously, if your name is Will and you are slow, this book will be confusing/upsetting. Be careful. Thanks.

— Eugene Mirman

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

— Eugene Mirman

Entertainment is business: the business of fucking art in the face.

— Eugene Mirman

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world.
...
Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:
...
5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.

— Eugene Mirman

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

— Eugene Mirman

A common misconception of money is that money can't buy you love. That's true. But money can lead to a series of misunderstandings that can afford you love. Think of that last thing as a quick bonus lesson from another dimension.

— Eugene Mirman

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

— Eugene Mirman

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

— Eugene Mirman

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

— Eugene Mirman

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

— Eugene Mirman

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

— Eugene Mirman

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

— Eugene Mirman

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

— Eugene Mirman

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

— Eugene Mirman

You wanna know what a gateway drug is? It opens a gate.

— Eugene Mirman

It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

— Eugene Mirman

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