Emo Philips Quotes

Enjoy the top 203 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Emo Philips.

Emo Philips Quotes

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
— Emo Philips —

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

— Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers ... no, I take that back.

— Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

— Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

— Emo Philips

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

— Emo Philips

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

— Emo Philips

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

— Emo Philips

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

— Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

— Emo Philips

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

— Emo Philips

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um ... breast ... out feeding it. You know ... cereal or whatever.

— Emo Philips

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

— Emo Philips

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

— Emo Philips

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

— Emo Philips

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

— Emo Philips

Emo Philips Quotes Pictures

Want to see more pictures of Emo Philips quotes? Click on image of Emo Philips quotes to view full size.

Emo Philips Quotes Pictures 1
Emo Philips Quotes Pictures 2
Emo Philips Quotes Pictures 3
Emo Philips Quotes Pictures 4