Doug Stanhope Quotes

Enjoy the top 215 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Doug Stanhope.

Doug Stanhope Quotes

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, theres 50 different ways! You hate black people? Weve a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Heres a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
— Doug Stanhope —

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit

— Doug Stanhope

You can never really, truly, understand discrimination unless you've been fuckin' ugly. Ugly people face as much, or more, discrimination than any fuckin' minority group, and they have none of the ... recourse ... You don't have any group that's going to come together and fight for your rights ... 'cause there's no unity among the ugly ... And ugly isn't even a minority! We're the fuckin' majority, and we still take the fuckin' backseat!
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Any minority would rather be called the worst racial slur according to their group than pointed out as unattractive: someone calls you a nigger, a lot of people fuckin' bunch up around you and go 'what the fuck you say to him?!'; someone calls you dog-dick-fuckin'-ugly, you wear that all by yourself.

— Doug Stanhope

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.

— Doug Stanhope

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

— Doug Stanhope

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

— Doug Stanhope

The reputation of generosity is to be purchased pretty cheap; it does not depend so much upon a man's general expense, as it does upon his giving handsomely where it is proper to give at all. A man, for instance, who should give a servant four shillings, would pass for covetous, while he who gave him a crown, would be reckoned generous; so that the difference of those two opposite characters, turns upon one shilling.

— Doug Stanhope

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

— Doug Stanhope

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

— Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

— Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

— Doug Stanhope

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