Christopher Titus Quotes

Enjoy the top 187 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Christopher Titus.

Christopher Titus Quotes

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dads voice: Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the worlds over. Nice timing, numbnuts!
— Christopher Titus —

Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there?

— Christopher Titus

And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

— Christopher Titus

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce ... because that's what a soul weighs.

— Christopher Titus

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody ... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

— Christopher Titus

Many massacres have happened when people yell surprise! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

— Christopher Titus

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

— Christopher Titus

After President Obama, President Rodriguez ... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

— Christopher Titus

You know what, man? I am going to literally - if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on the grassy knoll all the time, just loaded and ready - because you know what? It's for my country. It's for my country. If I got to sacrifice myself, it's for my country.

— Christopher Titus

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

— Christopher Titus

Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

— Christopher Titus

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

— Christopher Titus

The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really happens, thirty-seven percent of this population is going to lose their minds. Oh my God, the world is over! Us sixty-three percent? We're going to go, Hey ... there's no one watching the Lexus dealership! We're going to the Apocalypse with leather and a CD changer! You guys have been great. Thank you.

— Christopher Titus

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

— Christopher Titus

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

— Christopher Titus

Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!

— Christopher Titus

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on ... parole. And lithium.

— Christopher Titus

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet.

— Christopher Titus

Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh.

— Christopher Titus

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.

— Christopher Titus

So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person.

— Christopher Titus

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!

— Christopher Titus

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