Chelsea Handler Quotes

Enjoy the top 390 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Chelsea Handler.

Chelsea Handler Quotes

My mother is European and expresses her love through food and cuddling. She wasnt the type of mother who would make it to school plays or soccer games, but if you wanted to stay at home sick, she was your girl. Whenever youd go up to her room to cuddle with her, shed pull out a Kit Kat or Snickers bar from her night table and look at you with dancing eyes.
— Chelsea Handler —

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor'
always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

— Chelsea Handler

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

— Chelsea Handler

When I get married, I'm gonna register at Bank of America.

— Chelsea Handler

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.

— Chelsea Handler

Personally, I felt terrible for telling Truth my name was Schnitzeldoodle. I still think about it. Sometimes I just have to rock myself back and forth and say, You've offended so many people at this point. Don't try to keep track now, girl.

— Chelsea Handler

Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.

— Chelsea Handler

I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.

— Chelsea Handler

Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.

— Chelsea Handler

There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.

— Chelsea Handler

I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.

— Chelsea Handler

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

— Chelsea Handler

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it.

— Chelsea Handler

A Catholic priest who's been sending threatening notes to Conan O'Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

— Chelsea Handler

I have been on a life-long search of how to stay in shape without putting any effort into it whatsoever.

— Chelsea Handler

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