Bill Maher Quotes

Enjoy the top 815 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Bill Maher.

Bill Maher Quotes

I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.
— Bill Maher —

New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.

— Bill Maher

New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you.

— Bill Maher

New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job.

— Bill Maher

New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself
you're not drunk enough.

— Bill Maher

I do admit there are things in the universe I don't understand. But my response to that is not to make up silly stories ... or to believe intellectually embarrassing myths from the Bronze Age, but you believe whatever you want.

— Bill Maher

If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys?

— Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

— Bill Maher

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

— Bill Maher

The teachers don't know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system?

— Bill Maher

New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.'

— Bill Maher

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control.

— Bill Maher

This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves.

— Bill Maher

I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.

— Bill Maher

It somehow became an article of faith on the right that Obama is the most extreme president in American history. Although, when they say that, I think what they really mean is ... he's black.

— Bill Maher

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