Artie Lange Quotes

Enjoy the top 85 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Artie Lange.

Artie Lange Quotes

I got cast on MADtv as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics whod been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.
— Artie Lange —

Woody Allen stayed so good because he never left New York. Howard Stern stayed so good because he never left New York - Mel Brooks when he just got out of New York was doing 'Blazing Saddles;' when he left New York he started doing stuff like 'Robin Hood Men In Tights' - he was in L.A. too long. He lost the edge.

— Artie Lange

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

— Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

— Artie Lange

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?'

— Artie Lange

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

— Artie Lange

'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty.

— Artie Lange

Googling me, you talk about being depressed. First of all there's 18 websites that predict my early death.

— Artie Lange

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

— Artie Lange

I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is.

— Artie Lange

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

— Artie Lange

It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

— Artie Lange

I got cast on 'MADtv' as one of eight permanent cast members chosen from 8,000 comics who'd been screened. For any comic trying to make something of themselves, that was like hitting triple 7s-jackpot.

— Artie Lange

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year, on the road, and making it look like he's pulling it out of thin air.

— Artie Lange

A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he'd ground out to second for him.

— Artie Lange

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

— Artie Lange

I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.

— Artie Lange

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

— Artie Lange

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

— Artie Lange

I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.

— Artie Lange

But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.

— Artie Lange

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