Andy Rooney quotes: top 236 famous quotes by Andy Rooney

“Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

— Andy Rooney

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

— Andy Rooney

“It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”

— Andy Rooney

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

— Andy Rooney

“Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.”

— Andy Rooney

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

— Andy Rooney

“The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

— Andy Rooney

“Elephants and grandchildren never forget.”

— Andy Rooney

“I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that.”

— Andy Rooney

“Death is a distant rumor to the young.”

— Andy Rooney

“I'm in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it's wrong that I get fired, well, I've got enough to eat.”

— Andy Rooney

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

— Andy Rooney

“I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.”

— Andy Rooney

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

— Andy Rooney

“The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.”

— Andy Rooney

My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea.

— Andy Rooney

“It's just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.”

— Andy Rooney

“I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.”

— Andy Rooney

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it.

— Andy Rooney

“Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.”

— Andy Rooney

“The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.”

— Andy Rooney

“Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.”

— Andy Rooney

Numbers are the most certain things we have.

— Andy Rooney

“Space, like Switzerland, should be neutral.”

— Andy Rooney

“I've learned ... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.”

— Andy Rooney

“We can all be prouder to be human beings, because that's what they were. They make up for a lot of liars, cheats, and terrorists among us.”

— Andy Rooney

“I'm already suspicious of anyone who thinks he or she is smart enough to be president. You'd have to have some ego to believe that about yourself.”

— Andy Rooney

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

— Andy Rooney

“I am an atheist ... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.”

— Andy Rooney

“We've sent a man to the moon and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody's ever done it.”

— Andy Rooney

“I've learned ... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.”

— Andy Rooney

“I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.”

— Andy Rooney

“There are only a few safe targets left, just a few groups of people you can say anything negative about without getting in trouble for it. I've made a list of safe targets and I probably ought to stick to those. Politicians, for instance. You can say anything you want about them, and it doesn't matter how unfair you are. People seem to like it.”

— Andy Rooney

“Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"”

— Andy Rooney

People waiting for an elevator don't know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.

— Andy Rooney

“There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.”

— Andy Rooney

“One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.”

— Andy Rooney

“I spent my first 50 years trying to become known as a writer and the next 30 trying to avoid being famous. I walk down the street or go to a football game and people shout, 'Hey Andy'. I hate that.”

— Andy Rooney

“One day about 10 years ago the door to my office opened and who walked in but Bill Gates ... Seemed like a nice guy and has done more with his money than most billionaires. But that's as far as I want to go being kind to Bill Gates.”

— Andy Rooney

“It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.”

— Andy Rooney

“I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.”